wow. another 12:30am entry late in the night. tireds to the core, but this happens every single day when i reach home... not a easy thing to cope with quizzes happening every single week... plus catching up on school work i've lagged since start of school hahaha~ loads of thoughts these few weeks... wonder if i have the time energy and if i even remember what i wanted to talk about...

been feeling a little... suicidal? these days... well... seems like i've caught the "accident-prone" disease from my good friend pansy... if i didn't remember wrongly, 2 weeks ago my left big toe nail got chipped off half of it... next few days i fell on my back while running along the wet corridor in my house, resulting in a sprained back... then just after the bruises on my back disappeared i got hit by a stupid bicycle *who shot past the red lights on the road, got horned by cars, hitting the pedestrain (yes that's me) that was just trying to cross the road when the green man just lit up...* and yeap. i hurt my back again -_-. so i was convinced that within the next few days i'll probably meet with a even bigger mishap. like getting hit on the head by a falling flower pot. or like what my friend said, getting choked while eating food. after i "cursed" myself in front of my friends, a few moments later i trapped and bruised my right index finger cos i was half awake and tried to keep the small table in the lecture theatre. wow.

wad's next? besides the falling flower pot or getting choked? getting electrocuted or something? or struck by lightning? i'll be waiting for you.... wadeva mishap that's on the way. i've even got my handy zam-bak which helps heal bruises faster in my bag... *which i used to get rid of the painful bruise on my right index finger haha* yar... so wadever it is... i'm not afraid. bah.

then there's the thing with my... rebellious and... maybe a little rude? tuition kid. yes i'm talking about you, mark... haha... see... sometimes i really think about the things you say to me... hmmms... like saying i'm fat *well i admit i'm not really thin like a skeleton... er you get my point* yeaps it's time i should go on a diet, thanks very much for reminding me that... then next... about me being a loner... hmms i didn't rebut you that time cos i thought... maybe there's some truth to that. but after some of the crazy things i've done with my ntu friends today... i guess not? well... a lot of things i didn't say to my ntu friends... and neither to mark as well... i don't like to rely on people too much. cos i think i'll grow too dependent on them... so i prefer to do things on my own if i can handle it myself. well... people will probably think i'm anti-social? maybe that's not my primary concern here regarding this issue... it's sorta my principle in life bah... second... i'm the... passive kind... i don't usually ask my friends to go on errands with me cos i don't want them to waste their precious time on simple stuff i need to go out to do... and going out alone doesn't mean u're a loner... ok so much for self defense haha...

i admit i'm not a very good friend. what kind of people qualify as being "a good friend"? maybe it's when you take the initiative to celebrate for your friend's birthday? not betraying their trust. yeah i think that's one of the important things i value in a true friendship. sadly not everyone can stay true to their relationship. there's so much deceit going on in this world that sometime i'm just too disgusted by it. or maybe i'm just thinking too much.

this brings to mind... ah. the stupid dip project thingy. that time when our group approached a certain professor to ask him to be our overall supervisor with our idea, he initially seemed interested and we thought our proposal would be approved. next he told us it was just too broad. after we're totally sick and tired of our proposals being rejected, under the list of projects accepted by mentoring professors, we saw his name there. meaning, he probably had another group approach him and he chose that group over ours? well... maybe i'm misunderstanding something here, don't think anyone out there could provide an explanation to this... but it just didn't feel good. makes me wonder how true are the responses from these professors... they can seem friendly to you during lectures *well they probably have to, if they value their job and want to look good as a lecturer?* but beyond that? are they still as friendly as they seem? how true are they to themselves? oh wait. i should be asking myself this question.

who exactly am i? i'm thoroughly confused with myself. my identity. am i just a stupid brainless idiot who likes to entertain and bring joy to those around me, or the selfish bastard who ignores others needs and immerse in my own problems or something? whatever it is. i hate to be hovering between the two. one moment i can be so warm to others, the next moment i want to be just left alone. if any guy can differentiate my mood and what i want to do, haha i'll be that guy's girlfriend. ok that was meant to be a joke. laugh please.

i'm just too skeptial for my own good. i don't know why... is this some kind of... depression? or maybe it's not so serious... just simply pessimism? when i go out and meet people... sometimes when i interact with them, i "hear" totally negative voices interpreting others actions in my head... like when someone's nice to me... i'll "think" that... oh that's just cause u'll need my help later, so u're being nice to me now... or like when someone asks me a question... i know i should try my best to answer to his/her query, but sometimes i get the "idea" that... hey u're not really serious about knowing the answer to this... so why bother explaining to you? is this skeptism or pessimism or is there really something wrong with me?

not that i'll expect any kind of answer here anyway. just thought i'll post it online as one of my never ending rants.

and just to add on to the rants: when will the quizzes ever end? rawr.

on a side note... just after i posted this entry... i'm back to edit it. seems like i've treaded on something i shouldn't have gone back to visit. don't understand why... maybe it's just cos it's late at night where no one can disturb the flashbacks i get from the past. a pang of hurt, pain and maybe... resignation to whatever that had happened. no way we can connect the broken relationship back again i suppose. we're never good friends in the first place anyway. not that i'll take the first move again, haha. damn it. i hate myself for being so stubborn and unable to wipe away scars from the past.

i thought the song below was nice... except for the lyrics sounding a little funny... well it's a j-pop song though it's sung in english. can't blame them if the engrish sounds furnies...



Winter Song
sung by : OLIVA inspi' REIRA ~Trapnest~

It keeps coming back to me
I remember this pain
It spreads across my eyes
Everything is dull

Everyone's smiling, they're smiling

It pushes me far, far away
I can't understand
Everything is blue

Can you hear me out there?

Will you hold me now...
Hold me now
My frozen heart
I'm gazing from the distance and...
I feel everything pass through me
I can't be alone right now

Will you hold me now
Hold me now
My frozen heart
I'm lost in a deep winter sleep
I can't seem to find my way out alone
Can you wake me

I know when I let it in
It hides love from this moment
So I guard it close
I watch the moves it makes

But it gets me, but it gets me

I wish I could understand how I
Could make it disappear...
Make it disappear

Anyone out there hear me now?

Will you hold me now
Hold me now
My frozen heart
Kiss my lips and maybe you can
Take me to your world for now
I can't be alone right now

Will you hold me now
Hold me now
My frozen heart
Please make it all go away
Am I ever gonna feel myself again?
I hope I will...

Will you hold me now...
Hold me now
My frozen heart
I'm gazing from the distance and...
I feel everything pass through me
I can't be alone right now

Will you hold me now
Hold me now
My frozen heart
I'm lost in a deep winter sleep
I can't seem to find my way out alone...
Can you wake me?

今天从下午开始下起了豪雨，让我整天都沉浸在迷迷糊糊的状态。明明想要在教补习之前那小小空档的时间来好好享用晚餐，到了最后却忽然改变主意，无缘无故跑 到书局去，只是想要走走看看有没有什么好看的书 *其实是要找飞轮海的写真。。。虽然我早就知道他们应该是卖到断货了。。。* 却让我发现了几米最新的作品！

书名是《恋之风景》。当初看到这本“宝”的第一感想只是：哇。几米又有新书了！兴奋地翻阅这本新书，每个字每幅画都深深触碰到我的心。感觉到眼泪在眼角打转。为故事与现实的无奈而感叹。

故 事说的是一对恩爱的男女一起遇到车祸，男子不幸离开了人间，留下寂寞与绝望的女友。女子不再相信幸福，沉浸在自己的悲伤里，看不到世上的一切美好，就好 像眼睛被蒙上似的。但她时不时听到死去的男友在她耳边不断的鼓励她，她相信她的心上人变成了守护在她身边的天使，也应次慢慢恢复了，也慢慢开始再次欣赏周 围的美丽事物。但天使越在人类耳边说话，翅膀上的羽毛就会越掉越多。她的爱人因为对她深深的爱，不惜牺牲自己的性命，翅膀上的羽毛完全脱落，他也无法再留 在她身边。。。女子仍然认为男友还一直守护在她身旁。。。

嗨。这是个多么凄美的故事。我忍不住，差点想马上拥有这本画册，毕竟我已经很久没有被一本书感动过。太多无法用言语形容的感触，我本来以为用华文，或许比较容易表达，但到此依然不知从何说起。

或许失去会让你的双眼被悲痛所蒙蔽，但当你走出悲伤，还会认为已经不再存在的东西依然存在吗？

感想一直卡在脑海里，无法将它一一写下，就留到改次想到了再加一补充。

it's time to stop moping in darkness and sorrow.
i want to fill my life with little bubbles of happiness.

Chingay! XD

the past 2 days was quite a fun experience! been helping out at the chingay parade as crowd control *though it turns out that we didn't really do much imo haha* watching the parade live and unobstructed is just... shiok... hehex... the only downside to this is... the irritating photographers who chiong out of their designated places on day 1... and the dancers who just refused to move their butts as though they don't understand english on day 1 as well... the actual parade was actually ok... i suppose...

the real fun starts after the parade... though we're supposed to help out at the floats area, but since there's too many people to help out with the floats thingy, me my sis and jenny decided to have some fun taking pictures with the cosplay people who walked with the president float earlier... since multiply's currently down, i'll post some of the better pictures here... *can't really expect much with my lousy phone camera lol*

having fun with the gundams?

omg mummy! i took a picture with naruto!

isn't that vincent valentine? where's his coffin?

why does the gundam look so sad?

hey we know how to ride these things okay?... just kidding haha...

omg i never wanna make her angry...

hahaha~ arean't my photo taking skills great? this is the front of one of the floats XD

well, there are more photos taken during the crazy post parade, but they're quite blur so i'll post them on multiply instead... after their service is up again =( more photos with gintama and other cosplayers... and with two kawaii korean military band members... strangely they understood english! another short dampening incident that happened earlier during the post parade was when i tried to ask some of those japanese "cosplay" people to take picture with me... they shun away from me! made me so sad and no longer high... but on after thought, i think maybe they're not the cosplayers, but just happened to dress in those kind of gothic clothing... so yeaps.

some of the things that came to my mind during this event was... temper control. especially when it comes to dealling with those idiots who simply refused to listen to you, or those who think others have to serve them cos their heads are bigger or something. well the thought of it still makes me fume a little lolx, so i suppose i have to do better at temper control. well, maybe it means i lack interacting with other fellow human beings *why do i sound a little like sunako?* at least i feel, if i were doing this when i was in jc or sec school i wouldn't feel the same way as i feel during the parade or after the parade. maybe i was humbler then? haha so... gotta learn how to tactfully deal with whatever situation that happens next time...

though there are ups and downs to this entire 2 days of chingay, i hope next year i can do it again... haha~ but i guess probably not, since i'm here this time to help my friend... if they're not helping to organise this again next year... i'll be stuck at home with my tv to catch chingay again... or maybe i can help them build their float if they're taking part in performing in the parade... wahaha *continues to daydream...*... ... ...

候鸟的忧伤，神枪手的调皮
恋人未满的羞涩，痛快的呐喊

我爱你，S.H.E!!!

i have a new dream, that is...

to sing with a live band, or to sing and perform in a harmonising group or something...

which will never be realised in real life bwahahahahaha. hey that's what dreams are for, right? =)

seriously... the lack of sleep must be getting to me...

zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

happy happy chinese new year! it's a little late for this mega greeting *it's 初四 btw lolx* been busy sleeping eating watching dvd tv blah blah blah... n trying to catch up on tutorials... the latter attempt turned out to be quite a failure regretfully... hehex

went manga/dvd/cd crazy with my small fortune from the chinese new year... went to buy some manga and S.H.E's concert dvd... very impressed with their performance... they're really the 天团... 1337! they're not my idols for nothing k... but watching that dvd really made me wish i'm rich to buy the tickets to watch their concert live... sighz...

been thinking about a few issues these day... read the 5:1 ratio theory on a magazine the other day...

the 5:1 ratio -- you need 5 good memories to make you forget 1 bad memory...

i thought i could let go of some of the "bad" stuff i've met in the past... but turns out i'm kinda wrong... guess i don't have enough good memories yet to erase the bad ones? or maybe i'm just too cynical about our imperfect world...

sometimes i wish i'm just my old self before all the wonderful illusions of my perfect world collapsed against reality...

the hardest thing for one to learn is to trust someone totally.

below is a song i heard a long time ago but thought nothing of it... when i listened to it again yesterday, i realise how nice and meaningful the song lyrics is... enjoy!

Belief

歌手:S.H.E
作詞：施人誠
作曲：左安安

我知道每陣風 吹著吹著就停息
也知道每朵雲 飄著飄著就散去
But I believe, but I believe
因為我們 我們有愛情

我相信我和你 一定會有結局
任時光再侵襲 擁抱一樣堅定
這世界有太多 會消逝的美麗
但你是你 so I believe
(但你是你 所以我相信 so I believe)

就像是每條河 總會流到海裡去
你知道我的心 也只願意奔向你
我說愛你 就是愛你
這是真理 永遠別懷疑

真心會給人力氣 穿越過所有距離
帶領我們走進永遠裡 Ah~ ~ Ah~~ Ah~~

aching back. test tml. haven't studied yet. but still...

i must confess.

i had a weird dream this morning.

i dreamt i was somehow trying to snuggle on a bed... strangely with one of my guy friends who was already on the bed. *gasps* <-- strangely this reminded me of the 花样少年少女 plot wahaha... then i ask... can i sleep there? the guy said yes... next... he lied beside me with his shoulders close to mine, so i tried to turn my back on him so that i wun disturb his sleep... then he whispered into my ear in a deep voice... "why don't you love me?"

then i woke up.

problem is : it was so damn real that it's scary. and... it so happened that when i woke up it's valentine's day. lmao.

ok end of confession. back to the damned ee2002 notes. rawr.

why does it feel as though i just screwed up my life?

sighz. things that never get done, somehow things seem to go wrong... or totally different from the way i imagined them.

sighz.

i want my clone. -_-

how many times have i repeated this over the past few weeks. oh wait. only 4 weeks have passed, but it felt as though it was 4 years. met pansy this afternoon and we came to the same conclusion lolx.

tireds and a little frustrated with myself. my lack of time management is really getting to me. plus my lack of sleep... sighz. and the lack of money hahaha~ i'm ultra broke now ='( and i just realised i forgot to draw money today! shets. now i'm poor sleepy n... sadeds... =(

there was something that i wanted to talk about... but i can't find the words to express them. how pathetic my language skills are...

i will not commit the same mistake again.
有种的话，就不要让我再爱上你。
been a little out of my way these days... don't know why, but i kinda liked writing lyrics haha~ lousy ones though... a few of them are drafts in my blog, cos i'm not satisfied with them... so it's left to editing editing and further editing until i'm happy with them and i might post them around sometime... haha~ and i wonder when that'll be, considering how little time i have to sit down n mull over this kind of things...

sometimes i wonder if i give people the wrong impression. oh wait. i do. lolx... and i can't decide whether i wanna clear things up or stuff... sometimes it's just me thinking too much i suppose... ok let's take it that i'm always thinking too much... haha life's much easier if that's the case...

i wish that i can just focus on the things i see and stop thinking so much sometimes. it's quite a bother at times... and my imagination can actually be quite wild... some areas are better off left unexplored... haha~

loads of things waiting to be cleared : two tutorials for tomorrow, my lab report, typing email to prof for project, catching up 4 tutorials worth of material for the quiz next week plus my other 4 tutorials that i lagged*besides the 4 tutorials mentioned earlier* plus catching up on sleep and finding time to watch tv XD sighz. end of the day, i just wish for another clone. oh god. can't u just grant a simple wish of mine? *er not exactly simple but who cares lol*

stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stressed!!!

wow. even typing that line makes me feel stressed.

waking up this morning, only to feel stressed up instead of feeling refreshed. try waking up next day when u have lagged your tutorials for two core subjects which one of the lecturers go through only 3 slides from the whole chapter of lecture notes, and tell u to go home and read your own textbook when the textbook doesn't even help u in solving tutorial questions. and you have no idea whether you can cope the other subject cos u're lagging so badly. plus the elective which you physically attend the lecture, but ur soul is floating somewhere else besides inside the lt...

makes me wonder if i just did something stupid to kill myself in the semester again. sighz.

on a side note, i just realised a few days ago that i have 8 papers in comparison to others' 6 papers in the coming exam. wow i feel like... holy shit. -_-

and oh yes, i have a lab report due in 2 weeks time. remember that. -_-

i dreamt of gates this morning. not logic gates, you electronics freak. it looked like gates from the mrt station, except they're extremely narrow... for kids from a few months to 1-5 years old -_- i can't remember why i was trying to get past them... but i can't squeeze through all of them *duhhz*... except finally before i woke up, i managed to squeeze through the 1-5 year old gate. i wonder if it's a bad omen of me not able to get past my exams n stuff... haiz...

sighz. thinking about this whole thing from another perspective, it's just all misplanning of my time. i wanted to do tutorial yesterday night after school, but i ended up watching youtube all the way until my head hits the bed. when i wanted to do my tutorial i just felt like sleeping *well my "study table" is next to my bed wahahaha* maybe i should force myself to study out like i did last time... but it's hard to find that self motivation... i felt like i lost it totally already... damn demoralised... especially with that lecturer who dumped us the whole chapter of notes to self study... i wanna relax a little but i feel so damn tensed up now that it's irritating me. =X

so many things i wanna do, so little time. sighz. i just want my clone.

resolution resolution resolution.

ok. this mini new year resolution is a little late, but...

i promise i shan't watch youtube till 1+am when i have school at 830 the next day.

and sometimes... maybe i just think too much. to the extent of getting a headache over nothing. that feeling sux.

had been talking to my lecture/tutorial mate to pass time during our break *cos he had a 1hr break while i had 2hr break ='(* don't know why... it seems like i haven't really talked to someone besides my close friends at such length for such a long time... quite a lot of things came to my mind...

how do we judge people's personalities? do we judge by how things look to us? some actions taken can be interpreted in so many different ways, so how do we know whether our perceptions are the "true" meaning behind that person's actions?

sometimes people fall in love at first sight... why? is it just physical attraction? if that's the case, can it be considered as true love? wait what's true love in the first place lolx...

what does the idea of being kind mean? does it mean donating to charity, or going way out to help people? what if when someone donates to charity, he/she is just doing it to look good infront of others? or maybe he/she donates to that charity cos of personal reasons? *like family/relative is under that particular charity organisation* is that still considered as "kindness"? same thing goes to going way out to help people... maybe the one doing that has some hidden motive or feels guilty cos of something he did before?

i suppose we generalise too much... we frame the idea of a certain action as a gesture of kindness... what exactly is kindness? is it the act or the thought behind it?

take for example, our mom... every mother in the world *i generalise* wants their child to become good adults... our mum screams at our poor results and our bad habits and so on... so is that just being picky or mean? what about the "kindness" behind the action?

bottom line : things aren't what it seems. don't go about making a conclusion on your own just based on the things you see, for your eyes can deceive you...

omgs why do i seem to like typing about this kind of "philosophical" stuff when i'm having breaks in school these days? rawr. just lemme end school already.

i wanted to blog about this yesterday, but i lost the feel for it...

happiness is... munching on a steaming meatbun on a cold rainy day, and to be sitting next to a bunch of friends just doing nothing...

yes! finally the big move from old blogger to the new blogger!

time check : 1:27am on a sunday morning. what am i doing here? dazing with a mild headache most likely from the alcohol intake earlier. despite the supposedly "drowsy" effect one gets from excess alcohol which i should have now, after bathing and water-parading, i feel as though i just woke up. *well i did... i woke up from being seh~*

been thinking about this whole idea for the past week. yes it's damn clique, my sis has blogged about it a long time ago, and i think the entry below will probably sound like some gp essay, but heck i'm going to voice my thoughts on my blog. it's mine. don't read it if u dun like. rawr! <-- effects of alcohol still evidents lol~

what is beauty? is it something that is colourful, or something that abides to the golden ratio? is beauty something about one's looks? when we see someone across the street, we start making some mental impressions like... oh that girl's so beautiful! or.. omgs that guy just looks ugly with that set of clothing. do we ever think a little deeper to ourselves whenever we make such opinions about others, that we can't judge beauty just by looks?

society has formed us in such a way that we follow the notions of beauty our community has formed with the "help" of media... like for example, a while ago girls are so crazy over guys with single eye lids cos it's supposed to mean the guy is cute. or a egg-shaped face is supposed to mean one's chio... or even, as stereotyped by many, a girl with big eyes is pretty. however, is someone without these traits ugly?

sadly, people these days, especially those who have grown up and have lesser and lesser time to interact with others, have to resort to judging one's beauty just by looks. we no longer have the time and effort to display our "inner" beauty or even "inner" ugliness if we have the outer looks to others, because we're all in a rush for time, with no time to explain ourselves.

even if we decide to abandon the guidelines set aside by the society to perceive beauty, how can we decide whether one has inner beauty? must that person abide to some specific characteristic? like to be kind and giving, gentle? or those that always put others before themselves?

i'm really drawn to the latest manga i'm crazy over... it talks about the idea of beauty and the ugly side of it. there's always two sides to the coin -- no matter how beautiful something is, there's something ugly about it... nothing's perfect in the world... this is probably what it means...

i'm really touched by something i saw today -- at my friend's birthday celebration, her crush gave her flowers and sort of "confessed" his feelings to her... a beautiful start of a new relationship on a rainy night on her birthday... it was so sweet and beautiful that i almost wanted to cry. but *i'm just being pessimistic, i'm so sorry amelia* i thought about how something sweet and beautiful will have ugly side to it... like... *i'm so sorry i'm so sorry! i'm not cursing u or anything!* a relationship is always beautiful when u start out, but once u go further things might get ugly....

so what exactly is beauty? i don't know the answer to that, i only know what's ugly. like selfishness. wilfulness. rotten food, cockroaches, lizards, moths... etc. i never like ugly things. like myself. all i can see of myself are my imperfections. i'm ugly. i know no one's perfect in the world, but strangely i can see and admire others' strength in character despite their imperfections, but not for me at all. i hate myself to the core... if not for those who care about me or my parents who gave me my body, i'll probably not be in this world or have started cutting myself or something. but i'm still alive. and i don't know why haha.

my ugliness is probably my lack of confidence. and my inability to try to discover whatever strengths i might have. being unable to shine, unable to seek happiness? what's happiness in the first place? is it simply a hot drink on a cold day? or being able to soak in the pool or to eat ice-cream on a hot day? i tend to forget this small kind of happiness really easily... and i kinda hate myself for that.

is eternity considered as beauty? i used to think that eternal love is... but then i realised that never existed. so is beauty all a pointless chase over something inexistent in our world? they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. for something that one can neither see nor touch, is it still beautiful? if something non-existent can't be considered as beautiful, then are the changes that destroyed eternity beautiful? even for something eternal, sometimes it can't be beautiful... like if we only have eternal nights, would we be able to appreciate its beauty without comparing it to the beauty/ugliness of day?

i suppose beauty is all subjective. so is every other abstract idea in the world probably. we always need to have something to compare with another to determine how beautiful something is.

a strange thought just popped up in my mind -- could it be that when comparing one's looks, we consider something that we don't have as beautiful cos we can never obtain it? like for girls with small eyes, they'll think others with big eyes are beautiful. someone else's possessions are beautiful because we don't own them. haha now things are starting to make a little more sense to me...

wow this brings me to other thoughts about other issues : the issue of greediness. we're never satisfied with what we have -- like young kids who always complain to their mums about whichever toy their friends have but they do not own, how we're unable to immerse in the small little happiness we have from our daily lives and envy how enriching and beautiful other people's lives are... well long way to go down that path, so i shall stop here for now...

just another 2 days to school reopening! after much complaints, nagging and so on, i finally decide to sit down and tidy up my study tables on a nice sunny saturday afternoon where people are supposed to go out and play. why! tell me why!

anyway, here's how terrible my table looks *that's y i had to clear it up today =(* presenting to you... my study/laptop table! *btw, it's near my living room...*

how does that look to you? if you think it's still ok... wait till u see my second study table! *or rather, coffee table that's in my room...*

err.... apologies to the poor photo taking skills... somehow no matter how i take the picture it'll always turn out bad. cos of the lighting of the room... no windows opened, curtains closed, never turn on lights... yar u get the idea... all sort of stuffs on my coffee table that's right next to my bed : 花ざかりの君たちへ manga, 花样少年少女 OST, erms... lyrics book from 梁静茹's latest album.... er the black thing is my laptop cover, blue octopus is my... erms... the thing to hit my back when it aches... yeap... my post it pad, handiplast, calculators... and well... a roll of toilet paper... too poor to buy a box of tissues lmao! the things under my table are all my notes n files... and i've already done a bit of packing of it already... else it'll look even worse...

while packing... some interesting discoveries...

er... sorry for the lousy lighting... this was my diary... i mean it still is, but i no longer write in it... it used to record my memories of my previous relationship, so when i re-read this again somehow the painful memories came back, but then i'm okies... i think i'll have cried if this happened a year ago but hey, i'm stronger now XD

and yes! i found my s.h.e file! free promotion gift from their forever album, it's so nice that up till now i still dun bear to use it hehex... er the file looks nicer than the picture due to my lack of photo shooting skills... hehex~

and..... *drum rolls* after 4 hours of packing *are u serious?*... this is how the end result looks like...

erms.... though u probably can't tell much of a difference between the before and after for the lower compartment of my coffee table... but hey! at least things look neater... though some other parts of the room looks messier... hehex~ but oh well i don't care already, i've done my part so my mum can't nag at me again! bwahahahaha~

3rd january! start of the new year! *well not exactly the real start, but somewhere around there*

and what am i doing here at 9:10am which is supposed to be my sleeping time now? camping for my subject registration. -_-

some things to make my sleepy brain jerk awake... school starts in another 5 days time... things yet to be done : pack my table(s), start looking for new tuition deals blah blah blah. and yes! i haven't set my new year's resolutions! and here it goes.... the countdown to my new year resolutions!

1. lose some weight! *er notice the keyword here is some*

2. improve on my results! *being on the border of 4.5 is making me extremely nervous...*

3. get a job with good pay! i'm poor poor poor...

4. after getting a job, i must save! *yar i spend money like flowing water =(*

5. improve on time management! *my last year was... hectic. -_-*

6. to revert back to my old self =)

7. to seek inner peace *which i think i've acheived last year but i'll put it here again =)*

yeap... er... 7 here... not a lot not too little either... the first 5 are more realistic and can be accomplished... but the last 2... er... i have no idea how to reach this kind of goal... hehex... will take my time to settle down... and try to be more cheerful. hopes for 2007 : WORLD PEACE! my foot. i was jokings lol... hope that my friends wherever they are will be happy, and of course i hope i'll be happy too lol~ time to seek happiness! but not at the expense of others and my responsibilities as well lol...

er... i said i'll be changing my blog layout... but sadly i lack the "resources" to do that lol... i wanted to draw something for the new layout, but haven't set out to do so yet *even though it's an extremely simple one* cos i can't decide to draw on paper and scan in, or to draw straight on the computer or something... i think the latter is better but i don't have the kind of pen to do that... in other words. i'm lazy and trying to look for excuse. lol! school term approaching means not much time left to accomplish the little goal i set for myself last year... so... ahems.

and my anime blog! i hope i can plan my time properly so that i can properly blog the good stuff i watch weekly... though it seems to me that the fansubs are a little irregular in their release of subbed episodes, but hey! i'm not complaining... trying to slack while there are no releases lol... goal for anime blog : try to get more hits from other pple lol... *starts refreshing anime blog browser like crazy*

to all readers out there! have a great year ahead and may all ur dreams n wishes for 2007 come true~!

merry merry christmas n a happy happy new year! wooo~~~ *opens party poppers!*

been looking through my past blog entries... it seems like i'm extremely fond of blogging late at night *since i usually take a darn long time to type out a single entry* so now i'll be a little special and blog at 12 noon lol! what nonsense...

going to be a lightbulb in another 2 hrs time haha... loads of thoughts in my mind now... random stuff mostly... like will i be able to get all the christmas prezzies in time? will things get awkward later? i wanna eat ice cream *LOL!* i like the j pop i'm listening to now... mostly anime songs... i wish the weather will stay cool like this now... feels a little hungry. omg these are really random thoughts! ok not so random stuff... how to move this blog to the new blogger... how to design a new blog layout before school reopens... rawr.

just got myself addicted to the new taiwan series 花样少年少女, adapted from the japanese manga series 花ざかりの君たちへ... this was the series that made me spend 100+ bucks the other day... and now i'm going crazy over the show plus the OST... darn nice! now waiting for tml afternoon which is when the next episode will be uploaded onto youtube... for once i rejoiced over the great invention *erms not really* of youtube! cheers to whoever who started that site!

ok enough crap... time to go out and act bright. XD

now that i'm sober... lemme recount what really happened yesterday...

out to celebrate weixiang's birthday... went out in the morning for gift hunting, got dragged to watch weixiang n co. waveboard... it's actually quite fun! too bad i didn't bring an extra set of clothes and i'm broke from buying 100+ bucks of manga the day before lol! then we were super duper late for the birthday celebrations at wala wala... pansy went off early to meet her bf and returned with her bf to eat mudpie at holland v. loads of thoughts running in my head that i thought it's good to get high and drunk, but i guess...

it's a misconception that being drunk rids you of your worries... or maybe i wasn't drunk enough. instead of drowning your sorrows, you'll be drunk in your sorrows. how ironic. i wonder why people get themselves drunk in the first place... so no more alcohol unless it's pple's birthday or some celebratory occasion. and no more getting high and sprouting nonsense.

i understand people will move away from you as time passes. though i thought friendship may be eternal, i guess there's no such thing as eternity. in the end no one can truly understand each other, and everybody will be left alone eventually. i admit i'm really upset when i heard some news regarding my good friend whom i used to be really close to, but since a certain event we've moved apart. maybe it's because i can never fully acknowledge that it's the right choice, maybe it's just me being possessive. i don't even know myself in this sense. whenever something goes wrong, you just have to blame yourself. because if you choose to blame others, things will never end.

just like another certain individual. i'm so envious of how nice you can be to others, all except me. i understand that you have no obligations, so i choose to leave. i don't know how to face you each time we meet. though i'll be sad when i don't see you at certain occassions, i'm even more upset when i see you in person. the truth has already set into me : we're in two absolutely different worlds, where we can't even touch each other nor show any form of concern. u're okay without me, i'll be okay on my own. the next time if we ever meet, i'll show you what it means to be a strong woman.

once again la! happy birthday to birthday boy la! no longer teenager le, must act like your age and not scare jayne again leh! hope u like your presents neh...

i'm glad to have gone on the phuket trip with weixiang and co... at least it no longer feels so awkward at class gatherings without pansy and sheila. but... why. why just some things never change? am i just change-adverse?

i understand the source of my depression now : i'm always looking for something non-existant in this world. eternity. no changes. like a world encasted in ice. as much as i try to resist change, i'm changing myself. growing old as time passes by, meeting new people, shifts in relations, and the list never ends. i try to limit the number of changes that happens to me, but maybe i shouldn't do that anymore. yet i'm scared of the person i'll change into if i didn't do that. rawr. i'm always quarrelling within myself.

another great incoming change : shianchi and yinyin going to US for half a year. my two good friends from ntu gone, i don't know how things will be without these two great friends to whine and complain about school stuff... or i'm just too dependent on my friends rawr. it's true i have friends in uni, but of course not as close as the friends i make in jc and stuff... i always have a problem with trust and i know it. no one to teach me how to conquer my fears and stuff like that. there's no shortcut anywhere for me to take. but i'll be alright. i know i will =) <-- only slight optimism can keep me afloat ahahaha~

omg i just woke up after 12noon twice in a row. i better start switching my bioclock back to what it used to be... rawr.

tonight tonight! don't miss it! champion against champion!

gone to phuket been to phuket back from phuket! the trip was extremely fun although i felt it was really short... seriously 2.5 days is not enough! hope to go somewhere again with u guys but right now i'm really broke... so hope to save up as much as possible before we strike some place again! lmao~

photos have been uploaded to this site : http://shootingstar4eva.multiply.com/
feel free to look around *especially the taipei pictures where everyone looked like shyt cos we couldn't be bothered most of the time hehex... just look at my brother's sian face rawr... but that trip was fun too!*

memories... i read from a certain manga that memories aren't reliable, because our brain cells gets replaced periodically and our memories are replicated each time that happens. this means our memories are never accurate, as we replicated them as and how we wanna perceive them in the future. so even when i dwell in my memories, the actual things might be less dark than my current memories. i guess the best is never look back then, but i look at people like weixiang and jonathan talking about making good memories for this trip... it made me wanna believe in memories again. haha funny why is this becoming so... reflective?

i wanted to get away from my life here... going somewhere far away where nobody knows me *well except my friends who were with me : shian chi wendy amelia weixiang jonathan and yiuyan* maybe i was trying to run away from some issues troubling me here, to run to somewhere sunny, to be drenched in happiness? i thought while i'm there i'll have time to mull over things, but everything was super packed with fun that i didn't have time to do that. fun aside, i wouldn't admit i'm happy cos if i do that, unhappiness might just be around the corner cos life is not so nice to let one stay happy forever =P that's one of my main issues that i wanna solve, but i guess it's something so deep down that i can't handle and resolve in a mere 3 day escape from reality...

i guess i'm just too moody or too different from others. what is happiness? how do people handle their problems and stay cheerful against all obstacles? i realise i'm totally lost in the whole world though i'm already living in this crazy world for 20 years. a crazy 20 years lol. it's everybody's right to seek happiness, but what will you have to give up in return for that happiness? unhappiness? or am i just too greedy because if i seek happiness i want purely that and no sadness at all? life is full of ups and downs, it's impossible to have purely happiness -- that's just an illusion...

i wanna go back to who i was before everything... back to the innocent me in p6... or if i can't be that greedy, back to me when i was in sec 4... or back to the time when i was still in ac when i was j1... back to the more optimistic me, where i had held the glimmer of hope that the world was not so dark and ugly. just before things turned really ugly. then i realised i can't. maybe i could, but it seemed so far away from the current me. i'm like the exact opposite me to the "me" when i was in acjc... maybe i should have stayed there? but of course i wouldn't. i'm glad to have gone to hcjc, really i am. but there are always so many what ifs. i'm always looking back for some secret escape route when i know i'm stuck at where i am, and nothing's going to change that. it felt as though i screwed up my life though i know i'm much better off than others... that feeling sux.

academic stuff, financial stuff. jobless, need a job for my allowance. job interview at 11 tml and i don't feel like sleeping yet. studies going downwards, might have to drop out of abp, but then again do i really want to finish my degree in 3.5 years time? there's so much things i wanna explore but so little time. time management. i screwed that up this semester with my 2 tuition obligations. though i'm busy i'm always procrastinating. i felt i was busier at the start of the year (year 1 sem 2) cos i had tuition and volleyball practice, but at least i had the motivation to keep moving *though my studies dropped anyway* motivation is the key here... but how do i find that motivation again? it's ironic that last time people used to say i'm self motivated.

i laugh at my stupidity and how cowardly and ugly my character has become. is this from the negativity of the world or it's a phase everybody goes through? i think it's the former but it's probably just my excuse for making me feel better off. i run at the slightest hint of fear, from cockroaches to lizards, from problems to even the slightest change, and from getting hurt. where did my courage go? did i just drop it somewhere on the street 2 years ago? lol 2 years. how quickly time goes. i guess the memories of then must have been replicated so many times that nothing i remember now is the truth. how to let go of your past resentment of events from the past? i always thought the past serves as one's foundation... why does things seem to go both ways in all aspects for me?

constantly arguing within myself over my principles and issues like such. i want to step out of my walls and be different from my older self, but i'll chicken out last minute cos somehow i like my previous self too. i want to stick to my principles but i don't want to be too stubborn. i want to love but don't want to get hurt. these things always clash within themselves, and i still can't see a way to make them happen at the same time. though some might advise me to just take my time, sometimes i get really frustrated at how long time has passed and nothing seemed to happen. i want to change but i don't want to change. i want others to understand me but then again i don't want them to fully understand me. i doubt anybody understands what i'm trying to say here lol...

still uploading photos to taiwan... seriously i don't understand how my sis can take up to around 300+ pictures for the trip while i took only less than 50 photos for my phuket trip. oh well maybe i just don't know how and when to take photos rawr...

meanwhile i'll post up my anime blog again so do take a look once in a while =)

boing boing boing boing boing!

bouncing to phuket in another 6 more hours! wooohooo~

如果你的一生是一场梦，并且现在从这场梦惊醒，你会希望记得梦境，还是选择遗忘？如果是我，我大概会选择遗忘。或许这一生中有许多美好的事，但回想起来脑子里突然一片空白。听起来可悲吗？或许我本人就是那么可悲。

真 正遗忘一个人是怎样的滋味？有没有可能遗忘呢？这个问题反反复复得问了自己好多好多遍，但终究得不到一个“真确”的答案。一方面，人是无法遗忘过去所发 生的事。这些事会累积成经验，成为一个人成长的肥料，也可作为警惕。就算回忆是多么伤人令人感到痛苦，就算一个人想尽办法要遗忘，回忆总会藏在脑海的深 处，随时随地浮现在眼前。

从另一个角度来看，一旦失去记忆，人是可以遗忘过去的事情。（说到这一点，有时候真的会有想消除记忆的歪念头。。）

朋友说，遗忘是不可能的。但当你回想往事时不再像以前那么难过、感到遗憾、或怀有恨意，那大概就是放得下了吧。那什么才算是难过遗憾或憎恨呢？我现在连自己的情绪都搞不清了。

醉。 人说喝酒会醉。我说不喝酒也会醉。不敢于尝试真正醉的感觉，是因为害怕失去理性，说出或做出我平时不敢做的事。给自己铐上太多枷锁，一直难以呼吸，想 挣破枷锁也心有余而力不足。我却不会为了醉而猛灌酒。我会在想醉的时候让自己醉。听起来似乎不太可能，不过好像我遇过这种情况至少两次。一次是在我非常难 过的 时候，另一次是在我极度疲劳的时候，说话不对头，走路东歪西倒。

面对失去目标的生活，简直是没有任何一样可以期待的东西。说是寻 死？这不 是我。寻死不过是个不负责任的行为。我生存是因周围的人的扶持，但却没有自己所想 达到的目标。或许一旦发现没有周围旁边的人的扶持，我真的就被击垮。这样的人生我厌倦了。不想受伤害的心是真的，不想毫无目标地生活的感觉也是如此强烈。 我就一直互相矛盾，来来去去超过一年。自私自利的用“我不想受伤害”作为伤害他人的理由，还认为自己并没有错。但换我做被伤害的人，或许我会痛骂让我受伤 的混蛋。

岁月光阴是那么的不饶人。转眼间一大半时间又过去了。我们生活在这世上到底是为了什么？为了传宗接代？为了让自己成为世上职业界的第一？还是为了让自己是世上最大的富翁？

我什么都不要。我只要平平静静地过着简单的生活，成为一个有思想的女强人。

after bottling up for such a long time, the time bomb has finally exploded.

time bomb exploded last night at around 12midnight. reason: bomb was aggravated by a certain trigger which was rather unpleasant.

however, this might not be too bad an incident. the glass surrounding the bomb shattered, destroying the walls surrounding it. yet the debris left behind was quite a deal to handle.



was glad to have chatted with a few people last night... supposed to have been studying though, but hey who cares! *especially after flunking the great-o-certain-paper* so...haha... i'll mug later. later =)

thinking about the things i wana do during the break... i think i really need to get out somewhere, but it seems that the thailand trip's a little too expensive, and i don't know if the details have been finalised yet... eeks =X i hope they don't finalise things too quickly though =X

today i'm officially jobless. no more tuition to haunt me n stuff, but hey i wish my student koh yu all da best for her fmaths exam tml... opps forgot to wish yiwei good luck for her maths paper last week lol... but hmmms... dunno whether i'll miss chatting with them while tutoring them... and of course i'll miss the monthly small increase in my funds... but hey! ahems. well haha~

well shall continue to strive and find my motivation. to hell to those that made me upset. dammit, damn u. u're not worth a single drop of tear.

why does it still hurt now?

i... totally lost motivation to study.

maybe ever since i entered uni, i lost that driving force.

ever since i totally flunked my circuits exam, strangely i didn't feel super motivated or upset or disappointed. it's like... oh i just flunked my exam. nth else, not even a slight surge of panic while i was doing the paper even though i can't get a single answer. seriously... i thought i'll like... dunno... cry like a baby cos i flunked a paper? or maybe even freak out that i can't do a single question in the paper?

now it feels like i've totally given up on myself on this exams.

come on it's only one paper... i think i did ok for jap... u'll do fine if u start mugging now!

sighz...

been thinking these few days... strangely my thoughts now repeating themselves in my mind is not only in chinese, sometimes japanese pops up in my head as well! omgz am i going crazy just from studying jap?

speaking of jap, i didn't even mug hard last minute... i just like slacked after circuits paper and went for jap paper... but that's cos i forced myself to consistently study for jap.

and the stupid thing was... while writing compo for jap paper, i was fantasizing about holidays and can't wait for it to come...

-_-

let's count down to what other subjects i have left...
1) ee2008 algorithms n data systems
2) mb102 business finance
3) ee2010 signals n systems <--- i'm studying so many different systems >_<
4) ee2006 engineering maths 1

i used to keep telling myself... 没有期望没有失望。yes, though i no longer feel hurt because i'm disappointed in anything, but then, somehow this whole thing seem to backfire. because i no longer have expectations of myself, i no longer have the motivation to move forward. and i had the nerve to question whether it'll be sufficient to keep moving forward. ever since even before i entered uni, it seems i tried to cast myself in a frozen glass cell to prevent my tears from falling again. well i succeeded (i think) but contrary to what i thought, i had just frozen myself in time. how nice. it's exactly the same as my blog layout. what an irony.

too many thoughts running in my head now... thinking about how my other friends are working hard while i'm still stuck in the rut, being stubborn about moving off. nobody wants to get hurt, no one wants to hurt you too. this came from an anime i'm watching now called bokura ga ita. reminds me of loads of things from the past. all memories but yet they still come back to me every now and then.

been thinking how hard it is to open up to people these days. i understand that everyone have their own problems to deal with and stuff... so i act high and mighty and say i don't wanna burden others with my problems. besides harping about the same thing every other day is tiring too, so no point talking about it. i act as though nothing's bothered me at all while my friends come to me at times about their problems. but then it seems as though i've never gotten over the entire thing before. what exactly is betrayal? what does it mean to have totally gotten past something happened in the past? does it mean totally forgetting about the whole incident and live your life as though nothing has happened before? if that's the case i suppose i have never gotten over it. with this i'm refering to an incident in secondary school. sometimes i'm left in awe how people can remember something, some event so vividly that happened so long ago and forget what something that happened a min ago.

maybe that's the main reason why i find it so hard to open up? besides, if you choose to open up to the wrong person, i can't imagine the consequences. for those who really care, i know that nobody wants to get hurt, and no one wants to hurt others; but sadly i've met people who are really out to hurt others. maybe i'll misunderstand some of my friends actions because of that. i don't know. even if, even for just a moment, you were true to me; because of that incident, the way things turned out, i'll probably hate you for the way things turned out. you can do the same to me, i wouldn't flinch or anything.

sighz. maybe it's time to ignite some passion that i once had... for sports, for music, for the things i loved. maybe there's none now, but... at least... lemme trick myself that i love studying... so that i have the motivation to mug dammit!

rawr.

ok... wish me luck for tml!

and pray that i wouldn't die in a too ugly fashion...

oh god pls prepare a coffin for me! white wooden one plz...

好久没回到这里。

不知道为何今天又一股冲动回到此地。哈哈为什么我前面那句话听起来那么奇怪？好像要写什么深奥的作文似的。

明明有那么多东西要管，下个礼拜的大考都还没有着落。这次肯定万蛋的。但偏偏，不知为何。。。

往事无端端地在脑里出现。

是对过去的思念，还是只因压力太大，每当压力大的时候就会回想那些美好回忆？

我变了。我不像你们任何一个人所想象的那样。

我也跟两年前的我截然不同。

有太多东西明明不是我。却也不知不觉地变成了我。

感觉简直像个谜。

不愿意再次承认孤单。因为这样的话，就无法继续前进。

我要不断的往前走。就像当初心里理想的女强人一样。不要靠任何人的力量，勇敢的凭着自己的力量在这世上立足。我也不曾忘却这是件多么孤单的一件事。

人心是那么脆弱，却也那么善变。

我不明白为什么那么久以前的事会突然出现在面前。也完全无法了解其中的原因。我不是以前的我。我不像回到过去的我。虽然单纯愚蠢的我是那么的快乐，但到头来始终还是回到了原点。

我 不想再受伤害。这把自卫的声音比任何其他不像伤害其他人的声音来的强烈。身上长着刺猬的感觉是那么痛快却无奈。痛快并不是因伤害别人，而是因为自己知道 不会再受到伤害。就像是坐在一个玻璃房间一样，看得到世间上的是是非非，看得到别人欢喜流泪，那些感受却从不属于自己。不用担心明天是否会挨饿，或者天灾会 突然降临。这是因为生活得太过富裕，还是对世上的事物都感到厌烦呢？

明明远远抛在后头的回忆，为何又会再次回到脑海里呢？

请在离我远一点吧。直到我能够更爱自己，并学习如何爱他人。直到回忆不再让隐性泪水滑落，直到我能忘记什么叫做背叛与伤痛。

argh.

tagboard sux. rawr.

quoted from junyi's blog : "They say the more you look for something, the harder you will find it. And the more you hope to see someone, the lower the chance you will get to see him/her."

i can't help but to agree. probably despite having half of the world disagreeing with me n junyi.

well, if u never had expectations, u'll never know disappointment.



and the thing about one sided stuff... if u believe and understand that it'll stay as being one sided, why persist in doing it? it's tiring and u probably wouldn't reap any reward for it, so why? u'll save yourself all the trouble if u stop.



humans are full of contradictions.

ever heard of the theory? for every thing that happens, something would be taken in exchange. the principal of equivalent trade.

this means. for every single moment of happiness u get, u'll get a equivalent, if not, 10 times the sadness as compared to the moment of happiness u got.

that's y, never seek happiness, for u never know when ur luck will run out and suffer in sadness for the rest of your life.

i forgot that momentarily.

thanks for reminding me again.

i have enough of chain mails.

they usually put at the end of the mail... send it to xxx number of people, or else the wish will never come true, you will never find true happiness blah blah blah.

so what if that really happens?

life still goes on whether u're happy or not.

and on the other hand... there's a group of people that are unwilling to accept the responsibilities and the price to pay for being happy.

so this meaningless threat is nothing in their eyes in the first case.

how boring.

够了。

我不是你的天使。

不愿再回忆旧伤痛，也不愿再让人触碰曾经受伤的心灵。

请你们都离我远一点吧。在我还没伤害你们之前。。。






我一直站在被你伤害的地方
歌手：辛欣 | 专辑：放120个心 | 词:许常德 | 曲:林东松

sally哭着说
他不再忍受
象一个影子擦掉自我
他不愿强夺别人的所有
但是爱人逼他犯错
感情在深陷时堕落
伤了人还不罢手直到自己碰到伤口
才懂无情的人对谁都一样的残忍懦弱

judy也放过爱他的malon
当他已决定去爱别人
没有了阴霾幸福很简单
但却拥抱一个心房
三个女人午夜交谈
有人会坚强情断
有人停止伤害对方
悲惨故事太平常
只是有人心聋目盲
不愿意收场

我一直站在被你伤害的地方
你一直留在让我哭泣的远方
爱一直停在你曾爱我的那晚
你曾经对我那么好

你说你爱我到老
现在我还忘不掉
什么天荒地老
不到最后不能知道

sheesh... since i'm going to take the japanese exam this year... y don't i try to write something in the pathetic japanese that i know...

私 はホーです。ナンヤン理工大学の学生です。専攻は電子電気工学です。今年の宿題はむずかしいですから、少し分かりません。それから、私も日本語を勉強し ます。日本語はおもしろいです。でも私は上手ではありません。沢山新しい言葉を覚えますから、とても大変です。私は日本語が大好きですから、がんばる よ。

haha pls correct my lousy grammer for those who understand japanese... XD

我什么都不是。所以从头到尾都不应该抱有任何期待。

单单努力也未必有成果，既然如此，为何要为那遥远又抓不到的目标努力？不如就此放弃，这样一来失望的时候也不会那么痛苦。

或许是我一时间太过勇敢了吧，竟然会妄想，以为自己比别人好。现在好了啦，算是自己活该吧。

看来，单单一直往前走，不回头看，还是不够的。

i wonder... if it is simply sufficient to keep moving forward.

前お向いてれば また会えますか ~passion~

they say diarrhoea can help one slim down...

i hope i lose at least 2 kg lol...

stop procrastinating.

currently now... should i say i'm damn stressed? exams coming, tuitees double exam fall on my exams as well, not feeling like turning up in school... jlpt... shet. i think i'm procrastinating and it doesn't help things but still... urgh. and my stomach hurts now... ='(

someone pls save me...

sometimes i wonder... whether it's easier to save others, or is it easier to save yourself...

i think the hardest thing on earth is to save yourself.

bandages

injured fingers

i wonder what these really mean...

someday... your darkest dreams shall ruin you...

so much for stealth, i thought silently. a hand grabbed my arm from behind. i span around, only to realise that it was only her.

she looked into my eyes, determined to bring me to her fiancee. i shoke off her grip defiantly. she hesitated, then said resigned tone, "well, i can always pretend i never found you."

i gratefully turned my back towards her, and headed for the exit. i opened the door, which was the only way out of the hotel room we were both in, and headed into the corridor. upon hearing footsteps, i dived into the nearest place i could hide -- through an unlocked door, into a small passageway half hidden along the corridor.

i could hear the movement of gears in the background. the place was dimly lit, for it did not even require the presence of light in the first place. a small carriage of baggage transported by the cable above me and it almost ran over me. i looked around for a possible exit out of this maze i had unwittingly entered...

why am i running away? from the girl, my best friend... the one who is most important to me... from that fiancee. that horrible man who took my most important person from me. well, i'm well aware that i have to let her go someday anyway, just that this man... the thought of him made my blood boil.

i figured my way along the corridor, trying to feel my way around with my hands. suddenly, faintly i saw another figure ahead of me looking shocked that i was too, in the same tunnel as she is.

"what? u're trapped here too?"

strange as it is, she became my new companion. our only goal was to escape from this maze of baggage.

today is the day. the day my dearest friend was to be officially engaged with that man. i can safely say that both me and her fiancee were well aware of each other's hostility, and unfortunately, i do not have the power and wealth like her fiancee. so i had no choice but to slide silently into the shadows, silently guarding my best friend, trying to hide my feelings towards her.

me and my new companion found something that looked like an exit : a strange looking slide with a golden rod above the slide. my companion took the slide first, i followed, only to realise i was somehow stuck at the top of the slide. must be my huge butt -- despite people claiming huge butts means easy delivery or what crap. or it's the work of some superglue... nevertherless it was most likely my only means of escape. i tried to haul my butt to get myself some momentum, but to no avail.

"hurry, you don't have much time..." at this time, i felt someone right behind me, giving me a slight push. i was sure that there was no one behind me... but i didn't have time to wonder if the one behind me was a human or a ghost or anything else. down the slide i went, but i only found myself in another dimly lit room, leading to a flight of stairs down to the bottom of the hotel building.

i knew time was running out. i had to stop their engagement! both me and my companion ran down the stairs, and i started formulating my plan of "sabotage". i knew my best friend would probably hate me for this, but at the very least, i should let my feelings reach her. yet the only obstacle would be that fiancee of hers. with his power he would probably have sealed all the exits of the hotel building to catch me. i have to take another route then... if i ever get caught it might be the end of everything.

without letting my companion realise anything, i went through the door next to the stairs i saw on my way down, into another corridor. if my memory didn't fail me, the hotel building and the neighbouring building are inter-connected by a series of passageways. i smiled to myself, thinking that victory would be mine. i came to the end of the corridor, and went down to the bottom of the stairs at the end of the corridor. just as i opened the door to the lobby of the building, i heard more footsteps.

darn. it must be the security guard. i hid behind the shadows of the reception counter, and the guard didn't seem to notice me. great. as he turned out of sight, i ran towards the exit of the building...

at this instance, the shutters of the exit dropped down suddenly. i couldn't make it through the exit in time. i am trapped.

then i heard footsteps behind me. "good job," the voice i had loathed so much, praised the security guard's work. i turned around and glared at the man i hated most in my entire life, with my best friend by his side.

he sneered, "i knew you would not fall into our hands so easily in the hotel we were in. so i guessed u would take the hidden passageway into this building, that's why i told the guard here to seal all exits as well. hahaha... any last words you have to say?"

my best friend tried to protest, but he stopped her. "no, from now onwards u don't need a friend like her."

i gritted my teeth, furious at that careless comment he made. "no. that's not for you to decide." i grabbed my friend's hand, and ran for the series of maze again. when i've gone deep enough into that baggage maze, and sure that we would not be pursued, i turned to my best friend. she was gasping for breath, but a little amused at what happened.

after catching my breath, i tried to steady myself before my confession. "actually... i don't want you to get married to him."

"i know... it's pretty obvious." she half giggled.

i smiled, for the first time in a few months.

i continued, "actually, there's something i want to tell you."

"what is it?"

"i know... you might hate me for this... but... actually... i like you..."

"yeah... i like you too."

"no no... not that kind of friendship like... it's... different."

she looked a littled stunned. a period of awkward silence followed.

i tried to break that silence. "i... just wanted to let u know that... that's all. u can go back and get married to him..."

".... no... it's not like that... actually... i'm also hesitating as to whether i really want to get married to him..."

i raised an eyebrow. i thought she liked him so much, then why the hesitation?

she replied as if she understood my thoughts. "i knew i wasn't perfect enough for him. i'm scared... that he'll shun away from me once he knew what kind of person i really am after our marriage..."

she paused, then continued, "but for you it's different... i guess..."

i smiled at that. "nah, u're an angel to me, why would he shun away from you?"

she fidgeted and said in a squeaky voice... "actually i'm not an angel... i'm ugly..."

"no u're not. don't worry..."

"no u don't understand... i..."

she ripped open the top of her blouse and...

all i see is a thick forest of chest hair.

WHAT? HAIR ON A GIRL'S CHEST?!

essentially that was the dream i had yesterday. wonders. so i'm a lesbian? LOL. and dreams. are. weird. -_-

sorry for the weird english phrasing and lack of punctuation and grammer. oh well, who cares.

people say... love is like a fatal poison, slowly eating and killing one day by day...

i say... time is a even more fatal one, slowly killing us each second...

i had a dream last night.

i dreamt i was loved by a prince and a beast.

at the same time i fell in love with an ordinary man along the street who went away just after i knew him.

the prince was like all clique stories, princely. however he was extremely bad-tempered, and has no respect for others especially girls. and he will not hesitate to hit girls either.

the beast though was the king of all monsters and animals, even though he was ugly, and whenever he tried to get close to me, i'll get into a fit, but he was kind and considerate and keeps his distance so that i will not get into fits.

however the man i loved, whom i didn't even know the name, had left for a remote country overseas just when i started liking him.

me and my friends went to visit a fortune teller. i had a wish hidden deep in my heart, i wished that man would return to me.

the fortune teller said that my wish is hard to fulfill, but there is hope for it.

which i thought was all a lie.













if all these happened in real life, who would you choose in the end? the prince in other people's eyes who was violent? or the beast that was gentle? or would it be your love that is totally out of reach of your hands?













i would just stay at where i am and choose neither.

Goodbye my love
s.h.e forever

冷飕飕的风拼命塞满 遗失了你的眼眶
宇宙无声剧烈的摇晃 震碎了我的心房

谁按掉这世界的开关 没有颜色没有光
你的背影变成一面墙 撑住幸福的眺望

Goodbye my love, goodbye! 珍重再见了我的爱
以后没有我在 也要快乐起来

不确定我是否有力量 度过这一段黑暗
但你一定别像我一样 对爱还是要渴望

Goodbye my love, goodbye! 不要枉废了这段爱
我唯一的期待 是你灿烂盛开

生命既不让我拥有你 会有更好的给你

Goodbye my love, goodbye! 前面是汹涌的人海
如果应付得来 请记住我的爱

天天都有梦。梦里的事物都如此逼真，已分不清哪些是梦，哪些才是现实。

人心又是如此三心二意，开始再怎么坚持，遇到新事物与时间的磋磨，当时的坚持都会化为乌有。

那么，“天长地久”应该不会在现实生活中存在。

这样的世界，总让我觉得，不如活在梦里好了。或许这样可以避免对现实的残酷感到灰心。

tell me i'm dumb.

i've always known that i'm really bad at time management, and i really don't have a good sense of time. but how blur can i get?!!!

actually i'm a little frustrated with my holidays now... i wanna go back to school asap so that i wouldn't lie around doing nothing except to watch anime play games n piss my mum off... i really wanted to start studying or do something more productive...

and i though my school holidays would end on 24 july... which is next week.

the realisation only struck me this morning at 1am.

school only starts on 7 august.

AND THAT'S A FREAKING 3 WEEKS AWAY INSTEAD OF LESS THAN 1 WEEK AWAY!!!

urrrragh! *starts fumbling with hair frantically*

how dumb can i get?! -_-

but in the meantime, i'm kept busy with my anime blog... do go check out, tag and leave comments... actually i'll prefer comments... they'll last for eternity as long as my blog is there... haha! there's so many anime i'm watching currently that i don't even have the time and effort to blog everything i watch! but if i blog my entire day away it seems like i'm neglecting other stuff... like cleaning up my room... *which i had postponed infinitely till further notice...*

and i need to finish ffx-2!!!kh2... "completed"... i skipped the quests part for kh2... fought the final boss just to see the perfect ending... and guess what?! my disc jammed when i was watching the final cg movie. drats it. -_- if i had known it, i wouldn't have restarted my entire game just to watch the movie... i would have gone to youtube to look at the ending and not waste my precious time replaying everything. -_-''' now i'm stuck at the boring quests part of ffx-2... before fighting the final boss... if the disc jams anytime now i'll really go "RARRR!" on the ps2... grrrr~

yeap so that's an update on my boring life. nothing much to talk about anyway, i'm staying at home as much as i can... becoming a hermit, just like my assassin's third class job in maple. opps what am i talking about? -_- and i think the rainy season is back again... makes me not want to wake up every morning... makes me feel like skipping work... -_- and is there a way to lose weight without doing much exercise, not skipping meals and not stopping myself from eating the things i like? LOL~ i guess i'm just dreaming in my little own world. -_-

假期三个月，我的生活似乎变得颓废。

并不是因为闲得发慌，天天都有很多东西等着我去做，甚至感到时间不够。目标也不是没有，每天的目标就是要完成那天该做的事。如果那天在打工，目标就是能尽早收工回家。*哈哈那多像我的作风~*

只是。。。

长远的未来，对我来说似乎还是个未知数。

学校假期即将结束，假期前为自己设下的目标似乎都没达到；例如事先读好日文，天天打工赚外块--这样就不必跟父母拿零用钱。。。这些所谓的“目标”并没有 达到。目前我的工作薪水不高，一个星期工作不到五天，不过都感觉非常疲惫。终于明白，赚钱不容易。打工后，不是看漫画，看书，就是看动画片，总是轮不到读 日文。。。

总觉得，普通人的假期应该是常常出门，与朋友相聚玩乐的时光。可是，不大善于社交的我却偏爱待在家里，做些无聊的事情。。。或许是对世界感到厌倦，有些时 候早上一睁开眼就有种“啊啊，我还活在这个世上啊~”的感觉。说起来好像有点可笑，好像是在等死这样。不知道是因为我最近所阅读的《灼眼的夏娜》有关，还 是自己悲观到极限。

对世界一点期望也没有。正确的来说，是不要对这世界报有任何期望。不想被世间琐事所困扰，不愿受到伤害。这就是人们所谓的“达到最高境界”吗？

目前的我对现状没有任何不满，在朋友眼里看起来是相当幸福的。或许这真是如此，或许只是个假象。而我不想再想太多，只希望这种平平淡淡的生活不受干扰，继续活在自己的世界里。。。

belief o matic

Your Results: The top score on the list below represents the faith that Belief-O-Matic, in its less than infinite wisdom, thinks most closely matches your beliefs. However, even a score of 100% does not mean that your views are all shared by this faith, or vice versa. Belief-O-Matic then lists another 26 faiths in order of how much they have in common with your professed beliefs. The higher a faith appears on this list, the more closely it aligns with your thinking. How did the Belief-O-Matic do? Discuss your results on our message boards. 1. Theravada Buddhism (100%) 2. Liberal Quakers (98%) 3. Unitarian Universalism (98%) 4. Mahayana Buddhism (97%) 5. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (94%) 6. Bah�'� Faith (83%) 7. Jainism (80%) 8. Orthodox Quaker (80%) 9. Hinduism (79%) 10. Neo-Pagan (78%) 11. Taoism (75%) 12. Sikhism (73%) 13. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (71%) 14. New Age (70%) 15. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (68%) 16. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (65%) 17. Seventh Day Adventist (60%) 18. Jehovah's Witness (58%) 19. Secular Humanism (57%) 20. Nontheist (54%) 21. New Thought (48%) 22. Reform Judaism (42%) 23. Scientology (42%) 24. Orthodox Judaism (40%) 25. Islam (37%) 26. Eastern Orthodox (30%) 27. Roman Catholic (30%)

过敏
杨丞琳

你消失的一百天
我没了笑脸 怕别人看见
我敏感的神经线
一点一点 没知觉

泛红双眼不成眠 它跟着我一整夜
麻痹的脸 特效药 也无解

才发现 我正搁浅在爱情过敏的季节
oh过敏源 是对你的思念

我想我才了解
我正停格在爱情过敏的季节
季节没改变 是想念 没断线

我想我才发现
感情尘蹒已布满了我的世界
oh过敏源 是为你流的泪
我想我才了解
就算用尽了力气也未必如愿
季节没改变是眼泪弄湿脸

季节一直变
但我的心没有变

你消失的一百天
我没了笑脸没知觉

aozoranoshita...

yes! my anime blog is finally up and running... still need to tweak with the scripts here and there... especially wrt to the categories... it's driving me mad... but still i suppose it's not bad a start...

here's the url:

～青空の下～ anime blog

hope u guys like it... the template is really simple cos i really have no idea how the script works for blogsome... haha~

i'll still be back to post here once in a while... but since now i have to spend more time online, i suppose i should be able to blog more here as well... oh well... haha~

till then... =)

geez...

*note: i gave up early this morning trying to post here, reposting this saved post*

hmmms... i don't know what's wrong with my browser or blogger... but apparently i can't post my entry here... so i'm retyping this in hope that i get to publish this...

at 2:53am in the morning i'm still awake... cos i'm vexing over whether to start an anime blog or not. and this would definitely take a lot of time out of me... need to come up with new design, and figure out how to organise entries... i've been refering to other pple's anime blogs as a guide, but somehow i'm not exactly satisfied with the functions blogger offer...

however i hope that even if i eventually do start on an anime blog, i will not let this place rot and disintegrate...

i was quite surprised when naveen smsed me a few days ago regarding my blog entry on losing my drive to blog... i guess he regained his motivation to blog after losing it to ns... maybe that's y he tried to talk to me about it, but all the free time i had was spent on anime manga games going out and not blogging... so it's a matter of whether i had the intention or not. but i don't. and i'm not the only one who had lost the drive to blog.. weijie, nico n jon apparently have left their blogs to the spiders as well... mine... only a few mushrooms had gathered.... so... hahaha~

anyway, in this unearthly hour, i can only spare such few words to try and wrap up the millions of thoughts i have currently... and with that pls pray hard that i'll wake up for work tml at 12 and not to be clumsy... oyasuminasai~

just a quickie...

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||| 26% Stability |||||||||||| 46% Orderliness |||||||||||| 50% Accommodation |||||||||||||| 56% Interdependence |||||||||||| 43% Intellectual |||||||||||| 43% Mystical |||||||||||| 50% Artistic |||||||||||||| 56% Religious |||||||||||| 50% Hedonism || 10% Materialism |||||||||||| 50% Narcissism |||||||||| 36% Adventurousness |||||| 30% Work ethic |||||||||||| 50% Self absorbed |||||||||||| 43% Conflict seeking || 10% Need to dominate |||||| 23% Romantic |||||||||||| 50% Avoidant |||||||||||||||| 63% Anti-authority |||||||||||| 50% Wealth |||||||||| 36% Dependency |||||||||||||| 56% Change averse |||||||||||||||| 70% Cautiousness |||||||||||| 50% Individuality |||||||||||| 50% Sexuality |||||||||| 36% Peter pan complex |||||||||||||| 56% Physical security |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Physical Fitness |||||||||||| 44% Histrionic |||||||||| 36% Paranoia |||||||||||| 50% Vanity |||||||||||| 50% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||| 63% Female cliche |||||||||||| 50%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

for a while i've been wondering on what i should blog and what i should leave inside my heart... at one point in time i thought of even leaving this blog as it is and not blogging anymore... reason being... there are some thoughts that i want to express, but i do not want some people to see/hear about it... and besides, if readers do trace my previous entries *way back to last year* most of my entries were the boring details on my life...

and so i wonder... y do i blog about my life on my online blog for everyone to see? it's boring and i don't think pple out there will be interested. besides, maybe it's time i should have more privacy and not show my thoughts to the world out there.

or so i thought.

there had been so many things i wanted to express my views on... but these were mere passing thoughts... one moment i thought of blogging it, next moment i'm preoccupied with something else. then i eventually lose track of what i wanted to blog on originally and then i lost the "motivation" to blog for that day. this has happened countless times... i wonder if this is a sign that i'm growing up or that i'm busier and stuff...

i realise that i try to keep details of my current life out of my blog. ironically, some of my friends who do pass by this blog might be looking out to see whether i'm doing well presently... yet, i feel sort of... uneasy... these days... since i don't want those people i'm not willing to share my life with to know what i'm doing now... thus the "battle" within me... i hesitate about whether i want to blog about the things i like... the anime i am crazy about at the present moment, the games i'm going crazy over, or my rumblings on the weather and work and schooling... it's strange why things had to turn out this way...

originally this blog was meant to be a special place for me to vent my thoughts. my deepest thoughts. initally i kept quiet about it, and only 1 person knew about it... later i realised that there are those who found out about my little private space and secretly read all my entries but did not let me know they're aware of my blog. then i finally was aware of it when me and that person became good friends, and i changed the content of my blog so that i could let other people to read about it... and it became a more "open" blog. but now i want back my private space. some solutions would be... to write in a diary. but the reason why i did not keep the diary in the first place was because i was afraid of my family's prying eyes... though i know i could trust them... yet i feel a little uneasy about leaving my thoughts written down in pen and paper lying around in my house.

then again, similarly, now i'm starting to feel a little uneasy about leaving my thoughts lying around in this virtual world where not only my family could access, but the rest of the world. there are private entries which only i myself could access, but if i let all my entries become private then it seems weird for me to even own a blog. besides, there are alot of issues to tackle with... like for example, though my blog is a place for me to "publish" my inner thoughts, i still have to bear responsibility for the things i write here.

in addition, it is indeed quite time consuming to blog. though this is the same as writing diary entries, but for diary entries since it's that private, i feel ok if i just end anyway i do... for blogging i feel responsible for tying up the loose knots after discussing some issue and stuff and i do not like to end abruptly... even when i've lost the train of thought to type, but i still have to force the words out of myself to make things complete...

perhaps i'm now tired of doing things for the sake of doing...? who knows... haha...

maybe it's a sign that i no longer feel the rush of emotions flowing through me anymore... ever since two years ago...

jc life was fun and fulfilling... unlike uni life where we get so much free time to allocate ourselves... it's ok if we neglect our studies... no body pushes you these days in uni... i'm a little afraid that i might become too slack. just talk about studies... my grades are dropping and i'm a little scared. afraid i might not be able to continue taking the accelerated program.

ok sorry i digress.

back to the topic on blogging... i thought of changing my current blog to anime blog = meaning i blog about anime episodes instead of having my own thoughts and life posted online... but this idea always remained as an idea. the work involved is simply too great and seems to take a lot of time out of me... imagine typing one entry per episode per anime... i currently watch at least 5 ongoing anime series, plus i like to have anime marathon of the completed series... besides watching and reviewing, i have to take screenshots... omg the amount of work is... =S so that idea is put off until further notice...

the anime blog idea was so that i could still express my thoughts, except the things i talk about now are a little further from me... it's not exactly about my current life but about something other anime lovers could understand. perhaps it's just an alternative for me to avoid talking about myself. perhaps i just want to shut others from my world except those i feel comfortable with.











with that, i've run out of things to say for now... i shall return some time soon i hope... =)