so much for stealth, i thought silently. a hand grabbed my arm from behind. i span around, only to realise that it was only her.

she looked into my eyes, determined to bring me to her fiancee. i shoke off her grip defiantly. she hesitated, then said resigned tone, "well, i can always pretend i never found you."

i gratefully turned my back towards her, and headed for the exit. i opened the door, which was the only way out of the hotel room we were both in, and headed into the corridor. upon hearing footsteps, i dived into the nearest place i could hide -- through an unlocked door, into a small passageway half hidden along the corridor.

i could hear the movement of gears in the background. the place was dimly lit, for it did not even require the presence of light in the first place. a small carriage of baggage transported by the cable above me and it almost ran over me. i looked around for a possible exit out of this maze i had unwittingly entered...

why am i running away? from the girl, my best friend... the one who is most important to me... from that fiancee. that horrible man who took my most important person from me. well, i'm well aware that i have to let her go someday anyway, just that this man... the thought of him made my blood boil.

i figured my way along the corridor, trying to feel my way around with my hands. suddenly, faintly i saw another figure ahead of me looking shocked that i was too, in the same tunnel as she is.

"what? u're trapped here too?"

strange as it is, she became my new companion. our only goal was to escape from this maze of baggage.

today is the day. the day my dearest friend was to be officially engaged with that man. i can safely say that both me and her fiancee were well aware of each other's hostility, and unfortunately, i do not have the power and wealth like her fiancee. so i had no choice but to slide silently into the shadows, silently guarding my best friend, trying to hide my feelings towards her.

me and my new companion found something that looked like an exit : a strange looking slide with a golden rod above the slide. my companion took the slide first, i followed, only to realise i was somehow stuck at the top of the slide. must be my huge butt -- despite people claiming huge butts means easy delivery or what crap. or it's the work of some superglue... nevertherless it was most likely my only means of escape. i tried to haul my butt to get myself some momentum, but to no avail.

"hurry, you don't have much time..." at this time, i felt someone right behind me, giving me a slight push. i was sure that there was no one behind me... but i didn't have time to wonder if the one behind me was a human or a ghost or anything else. down the slide i went, but i only found myself in another dimly lit room, leading to a flight of stairs down to the bottom of the hotel building.

i knew time was running out. i had to stop their engagement! both me and my companion ran down the stairs, and i started formulating my plan of "sabotage". i knew my best friend would probably hate me for this, but at the very least, i should let my feelings reach her. yet the only obstacle would be that fiancee of hers. with his power he would probably have sealed all the exits of the hotel building to catch me. i have to take another route then... if i ever get caught it might be the end of everything.

without letting my companion realise anything, i went through the door next to the stairs i saw on my way down, into another corridor. if my memory didn't fail me, the hotel building and the neighbouring building are inter-connected by a series of passageways. i smiled to myself, thinking that victory would be mine. i came to the end of the corridor, and went down to the bottom of the stairs at the end of the corridor. just as i opened the door to the lobby of the building, i heard more footsteps.

darn. it must be the security guard. i hid behind the shadows of the reception counter, and the guard didn't seem to notice me. great. as he turned out of sight, i ran towards the exit of the building...

at this instance, the shutters of the exit dropped down suddenly. i couldn't make it through the exit in time. i am trapped.

then i heard footsteps behind me. "good job," the voice i had loathed so much, praised the security guard's work. i turned around and glared at the man i hated most in my entire life, with my best friend by his side.

he sneered, "i knew you would not fall into our hands so easily in the hotel we were in. so i guessed u would take the hidden passageway into this building, that's why i told the guard here to seal all exits as well. hahaha... any last words you have to say?"

my best friend tried to protest, but he stopped her. "no, from now onwards u don't need a friend like her."

i gritted my teeth, furious at that careless comment he made. "no. that's not for you to decide." i grabbed my friend's hand, and ran for the series of maze again. when i've gone deep enough into that baggage maze, and sure that we would not be pursued, i turned to my best friend. she was gasping for breath, but a little amused at what happened.

after catching my breath, i tried to steady myself before my confession. "actually... i don't want you to get married to him."

"i know... it's pretty obvious." she half giggled.

i smiled, for the first time in a few months.

i continued, "actually, there's something i want to tell you."

"what is it?"

"i know... you might hate me for this... but... actually... i like you..."

"yeah... i like you too."

"no no... not that kind of friendship like... it's... different."

she looked a littled stunned. a period of awkward silence followed.

i tried to break that silence. "i... just wanted to let u know that... that's all. u can go back and get married to him..."

".... no... it's not like that... actually... i'm also hesitating as to whether i really want to get married to him..."

i raised an eyebrow. i thought she liked him so much, then why the hesitation?

she replied as if she understood my thoughts. "i knew i wasn't perfect enough for him. i'm scared... that he'll shun away from me once he knew what kind of person i really am after our marriage..."

she paused, then continued, "but for you it's different... i guess..."

i smiled at that. "nah, u're an angel to me, why would he shun away from you?"

she fidgeted and said in a squeaky voice... "actually i'm not an angel... i'm ugly..."

"no u're not. don't worry..."

"no u don't understand... i..."

she ripped open the top of her blouse and...

all i see is a thick forest of chest hair.

WHAT? HAIR ON A GIRL'S CHEST?!

essentially that was the dream i had yesterday. wonders. so i'm a lesbian? LOL. and dreams. are. weird. -_-

sorry for the weird english phrasing and lack of punctuation and grammer. oh well, who cares.

people say... love is like a fatal poison, slowly eating and killing one day by day...

i say... time is a even more fatal one, slowly killing us each second...

i had a dream last night.

i dreamt i was loved by a prince and a beast.

at the same time i fell in love with an ordinary man along the street who went away just after i knew him.

the prince was like all clique stories, princely. however he was extremely bad-tempered, and has no respect for others especially girls. and he will not hesitate to hit girls either.

the beast though was the king of all monsters and animals, even though he was ugly, and whenever he tried to get close to me, i'll get into a fit, but he was kind and considerate and keeps his distance so that i will not get into fits.

however the man i loved, whom i didn't even know the name, had left for a remote country overseas just when i started liking him.

me and my friends went to visit a fortune teller. i had a wish hidden deep in my heart, i wished that man would return to me.

the fortune teller said that my wish is hard to fulfill, but there is hope for it.

which i thought was all a lie.













if all these happened in real life, who would you choose in the end? the prince in other people's eyes who was violent? or the beast that was gentle? or would it be your love that is totally out of reach of your hands?













i would just stay at where i am and choose neither.

Goodbye my love
s.h.e forever

冷飕飕的风拼命塞满 遗失了你的眼眶
宇宙无声剧烈的摇晃 震碎了我的心房

谁按掉这世界的开关 没有颜色没有光
你的背影变成一面墙 撑住幸福的眺望

Goodbye my love, goodbye! 珍重再见了我的爱
以后没有我在 也要快乐起来

不确定我是否有力量 度过这一段黑暗
但你一定别像我一样 对爱还是要渴望

Goodbye my love, goodbye! 不要枉废了这段爱
我唯一的期待 是你灿烂盛开

生命既不让我拥有你 会有更好的给你

Goodbye my love, goodbye! 前面是汹涌的人海
如果应付得来 请记住我的爱

天天都有梦。梦里的事物都如此逼真，已分不清哪些是梦，哪些才是现实。

人心又是如此三心二意，开始再怎么坚持，遇到新事物与时间的磋磨，当时的坚持都会化为乌有。

那么，“天长地久”应该不会在现实生活中存在。

这样的世界，总让我觉得，不如活在梦里好了。或许这样可以避免对现实的残酷感到灰心。

tell me i'm dumb.

i've always known that i'm really bad at time management, and i really don't have a good sense of time. but how blur can i get?!!!

actually i'm a little frustrated with my holidays now... i wanna go back to school asap so that i wouldn't lie around doing nothing except to watch anime play games n piss my mum off... i really wanted to start studying or do something more productive...

and i though my school holidays would end on 24 july... which is next week.

the realisation only struck me this morning at 1am.

school only starts on 7 august.

AND THAT'S A FREAKING 3 WEEKS AWAY INSTEAD OF LESS THAN 1 WEEK AWAY!!!

urrrragh! *starts fumbling with hair frantically*

how dumb can i get?! -_-

but in the meantime, i'm kept busy with my anime blog... do go check out, tag and leave comments... actually i'll prefer comments... they'll last for eternity as long as my blog is there... haha! there's so many anime i'm watching currently that i don't even have the time and effort to blog everything i watch! but if i blog my entire day away it seems like i'm neglecting other stuff... like cleaning up my room... *which i had postponed infinitely till further notice...*

and i need to finish ffx-2!!!kh2... "completed"... i skipped the quests part for kh2... fought the final boss just to see the perfect ending... and guess what?! my disc jammed when i was watching the final cg movie. drats it. -_- if i had known it, i wouldn't have restarted my entire game just to watch the movie... i would have gone to youtube to look at the ending and not waste my precious time replaying everything. -_-''' now i'm stuck at the boring quests part of ffx-2... before fighting the final boss... if the disc jams anytime now i'll really go "RARRR!" on the ps2... grrrr~

yeap so that's an update on my boring life. nothing much to talk about anyway, i'm staying at home as much as i can... becoming a hermit, just like my assassin's third class job in maple. opps what am i talking about? -_- and i think the rainy season is back again... makes me not want to wake up every morning... makes me feel like skipping work... -_- and is there a way to lose weight without doing much exercise, not skipping meals and not stopping myself from eating the things i like? LOL~ i guess i'm just dreaming in my little own world. -_-

假期三个月，我的生活似乎变得颓废。

并不是因为闲得发慌，天天都有很多东西等着我去做，甚至感到时间不够。目标也不是没有，每天的目标就是要完成那天该做的事。如果那天在打工，目标就是能尽早收工回家。*哈哈那多像我的作风~*

只是。。。

长远的未来，对我来说似乎还是个未知数。

学校假期即将结束，假期前为自己设下的目标似乎都没达到；例如事先读好日文，天天打工赚外块--这样就不必跟父母拿零用钱。。。这些所谓的“目标”并没有 达到。目前我的工作薪水不高，一个星期工作不到五天，不过都感觉非常疲惫。终于明白，赚钱不容易。打工后，不是看漫画，看书，就是看动画片，总是轮不到读 日文。。。

总觉得，普通人的假期应该是常常出门，与朋友相聚玩乐的时光。可是，不大善于社交的我却偏爱待在家里，做些无聊的事情。。。或许是对世界感到厌倦，有些时 候早上一睁开眼就有种“啊啊，我还活在这个世上啊~”的感觉。说起来好像有点可笑，好像是在等死这样。不知道是因为我最近所阅读的《灼眼的夏娜》有关，还 是自己悲观到极限。

对世界一点期望也没有。正确的来说，是不要对这世界报有任何期望。不想被世间琐事所困扰，不愿受到伤害。这就是人们所谓的“达到最高境界”吗？

目前的我对现状没有任何不满，在朋友眼里看起来是相当幸福的。或许这真是如此，或许只是个假象。而我不想再想太多，只希望这种平平淡淡的生活不受干扰，继续活在自己的世界里。。。

belief o matic

Your Results: The top score on the list below represents the faith that Belief-O-Matic, in its less than infinite wisdom, thinks most closely matches your beliefs. However, even a score of 100% does not mean that your views are all shared by this faith, or vice versa. Belief-O-Matic then lists another 26 faiths in order of how much they have in common with your professed beliefs. The higher a faith appears on this list, the more closely it aligns with your thinking. How did the Belief-O-Matic do? Discuss your results on our message boards. 1. Theravada Buddhism (100%) 2. Liberal Quakers (98%) 3. Unitarian Universalism (98%) 4. Mahayana Buddhism (97%) 5. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (94%) 6. Bah�'� Faith (83%) 7. Jainism (80%) 8. Orthodox Quaker (80%) 9. Hinduism (79%) 10. Neo-Pagan (78%) 11. Taoism (75%) 12. Sikhism (73%) 13. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (71%) 14. New Age (70%) 15. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (68%) 16. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (65%) 17. Seventh Day Adventist (60%) 18. Jehovah's Witness (58%) 19. Secular Humanism (57%) 20. Nontheist (54%) 21. New Thought (48%) 22. Reform Judaism (42%) 23. Scientology (42%) 24. Orthodox Judaism (40%) 25. Islam (37%) 26. Eastern Orthodox (30%) 27. Roman Catholic (30%)

过敏
杨丞琳

你消失的一百天
我没了笑脸 怕别人看见
我敏感的神经线
一点一点 没知觉

泛红双眼不成眠 它跟着我一整夜
麻痹的脸 特效药 也无解

才发现 我正搁浅在爱情过敏的季节
oh过敏源 是对你的思念

我想我才了解
我正停格在爱情过敏的季节
季节没改变 是想念 没断线

我想我才发现
感情尘蹒已布满了我的世界
oh过敏源 是为你流的泪
我想我才了解
就算用尽了力气也未必如愿
季节没改变是眼泪弄湿脸

季节一直变
但我的心没有变

你消失的一百天
我没了笑脸没知觉

aozoranoshita...

yes! my anime blog is finally up and running... still need to tweak with the scripts here and there... especially wrt to the categories... it's driving me mad... but still i suppose it's not bad a start...

here's the url:

～青空の下～ anime blog

hope u guys like it... the template is really simple cos i really have no idea how the script works for blogsome... haha~

i'll still be back to post here once in a while... but since now i have to spend more time online, i suppose i should be able to blog more here as well... oh well... haha~

till then... =)

geez...

*note: i gave up early this morning trying to post here, reposting this saved post*

hmmms... i don't know what's wrong with my browser or blogger... but apparently i can't post my entry here... so i'm retyping this in hope that i get to publish this...

at 2:53am in the morning i'm still awake... cos i'm vexing over whether to start an anime blog or not. and this would definitely take a lot of time out of me... need to come up with new design, and figure out how to organise entries... i've been refering to other pple's anime blogs as a guide, but somehow i'm not exactly satisfied with the functions blogger offer...

however i hope that even if i eventually do start on an anime blog, i will not let this place rot and disintegrate...

i was quite surprised when naveen smsed me a few days ago regarding my blog entry on losing my drive to blog... i guess he regained his motivation to blog after losing it to ns... maybe that's y he tried to talk to me about it, but all the free time i had was spent on anime manga games going out and not blogging... so it's a matter of whether i had the intention or not. but i don't. and i'm not the only one who had lost the drive to blog.. weijie, nico n jon apparently have left their blogs to the spiders as well... mine... only a few mushrooms had gathered.... so... hahaha~

anyway, in this unearthly hour, i can only spare such few words to try and wrap up the millions of thoughts i have currently... and with that pls pray hard that i'll wake up for work tml at 12 and not to be clumsy... oyasuminasai~

just a quickie...

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||| 26% Stability |||||||||||| 46% Orderliness |||||||||||| 50% Accommodation |||||||||||||| 56% Interdependence |||||||||||| 43% Intellectual |||||||||||| 43% Mystical |||||||||||| 50% Artistic |||||||||||||| 56% Religious |||||||||||| 50% Hedonism || 10% Materialism |||||||||||| 50% Narcissism |||||||||| 36% Adventurousness |||||| 30% Work ethic |||||||||||| 50% Self absorbed |||||||||||| 43% Conflict seeking || 10% Need to dominate |||||| 23% Romantic |||||||||||| 50% Avoidant |||||||||||||||| 63% Anti-authority |||||||||||| 50% Wealth |||||||||| 36% Dependency |||||||||||||| 56% Change averse |||||||||||||||| 70% Cautiousness |||||||||||| 50% Individuality |||||||||||| 50% Sexuality |||||||||| 36% Peter pan complex |||||||||||||| 56% Physical security |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Physical Fitness |||||||||||| 44% Histrionic |||||||||| 36% Paranoia |||||||||||| 50% Vanity |||||||||||| 50% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||| 63% Female cliche |||||||||||| 50%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

for a while i've been wondering on what i should blog and what i should leave inside my heart... at one point in time i thought of even leaving this blog as it is and not blogging anymore... reason being... there are some thoughts that i want to express, but i do not want some people to see/hear about it... and besides, if readers do trace my previous entries *way back to last year* most of my entries were the boring details on my life...

and so i wonder... y do i blog about my life on my online blog for everyone to see? it's boring and i don't think pple out there will be interested. besides, maybe it's time i should have more privacy and not show my thoughts to the world out there.

or so i thought.

there had been so many things i wanted to express my views on... but these were mere passing thoughts... one moment i thought of blogging it, next moment i'm preoccupied with something else. then i eventually lose track of what i wanted to blog on originally and then i lost the "motivation" to blog for that day. this has happened countless times... i wonder if this is a sign that i'm growing up or that i'm busier and stuff...

i realise that i try to keep details of my current life out of my blog. ironically, some of my friends who do pass by this blog might be looking out to see whether i'm doing well presently... yet, i feel sort of... uneasy... these days... since i don't want those people i'm not willing to share my life with to know what i'm doing now... thus the "battle" within me... i hesitate about whether i want to blog about the things i like... the anime i am crazy about at the present moment, the games i'm going crazy over, or my rumblings on the weather and work and schooling... it's strange why things had to turn out this way...

originally this blog was meant to be a special place for me to vent my thoughts. my deepest thoughts. initally i kept quiet about it, and only 1 person knew about it... later i realised that there are those who found out about my little private space and secretly read all my entries but did not let me know they're aware of my blog. then i finally was aware of it when me and that person became good friends, and i changed the content of my blog so that i could let other people to read about it... and it became a more "open" blog. but now i want back my private space. some solutions would be... to write in a diary. but the reason why i did not keep the diary in the first place was because i was afraid of my family's prying eyes... though i know i could trust them... yet i feel a little uneasy about leaving my thoughts written down in pen and paper lying around in my house.

then again, similarly, now i'm starting to feel a little uneasy about leaving my thoughts lying around in this virtual world where not only my family could access, but the rest of the world. there are private entries which only i myself could access, but if i let all my entries become private then it seems weird for me to even own a blog. besides, there are alot of issues to tackle with... like for example, though my blog is a place for me to "publish" my inner thoughts, i still have to bear responsibility for the things i write here.

in addition, it is indeed quite time consuming to blog. though this is the same as writing diary entries, but for diary entries since it's that private, i feel ok if i just end anyway i do... for blogging i feel responsible for tying up the loose knots after discussing some issue and stuff and i do not like to end abruptly... even when i've lost the train of thought to type, but i still have to force the words out of myself to make things complete...

perhaps i'm now tired of doing things for the sake of doing...? who knows... haha...

maybe it's a sign that i no longer feel the rush of emotions flowing through me anymore... ever since two years ago...

jc life was fun and fulfilling... unlike uni life where we get so much free time to allocate ourselves... it's ok if we neglect our studies... no body pushes you these days in uni... i'm a little afraid that i might become too slack. just talk about studies... my grades are dropping and i'm a little scared. afraid i might not be able to continue taking the accelerated program.

ok sorry i digress.

back to the topic on blogging... i thought of changing my current blog to anime blog = meaning i blog about anime episodes instead of having my own thoughts and life posted online... but this idea always remained as an idea. the work involved is simply too great and seems to take a lot of time out of me... imagine typing one entry per episode per anime... i currently watch at least 5 ongoing anime series, plus i like to have anime marathon of the completed series... besides watching and reviewing, i have to take screenshots... omg the amount of work is... =S so that idea is put off until further notice...

the anime blog idea was so that i could still express my thoughts, except the things i talk about now are a little further from me... it's not exactly about my current life but about something other anime lovers could understand. perhaps it's just an alternative for me to avoid talking about myself. perhaps i just want to shut others from my world except those i feel comfortable with.











with that, i've run out of things to say for now... i shall return some time soon i hope... =)

ahems. *tries to clear throat*

by the request of one of my bestest friends yuchun... i shall attempt to post something here to show i'm not exactly being a hermit... haha~

the reason for my absense from the msn community as well as from my blog, oh well besides what yuchun had pointed out *playing kh2*... i was catching up on loads of manga n anime, and not to mention i'm terribly sick. down with flu, cough and fever... still on the long journey to recovery. the flam in my throat is extremely irritating, hard for me to sleep at night cos i cannot breath due to that thick flam in my lungs n throat. yeap so there u go.

oh some more updates... eh i cut my hair. shorter than yuchun's. *pause to see pple laffing* okies fine. her hairstyle is cute. my hairstyle pls dun comment k? wahaha~

other miscellanous things... i'm finally going overseas this holidays! been such a long time since i was out of singapore... can't wait to go shopping crazy for that trip... going to taiwan next month before my brother has to go back for school...

on a side note... my brother just returned a few days from his 1 week trip to china... *makes me jealous.. haha~* and surprisingly he actually bought souvenirs for us! haha really big breakthrough... besides he actually bought himself clothes and shoes in china! me n my family were damn shocked since he's the really lazy kind... clothes shoes everything is my mum buy for him... lolx~ and i'm darn happy when he bought this necklace... oh well he din say who it was for... for either me n my sis... but ahems. now i kop it for myself le... wahahaha~ really happy that he actually had that thought... shall wear it next time when i go out =)

haha that's all i have to say for now. dun expect much from someone who seldom opens her mouth to talk these days *no voice... not even sexy voice -_-* oh well i hope i'll get well before i go for taiwan trip! ~sobz~

passion
singer : hikaru utada

思い出せば遥か遥か
未来はどこまでも輝いてた
奇麗な青空の下で
僕らは少しだけ怯えていた

懐かしい色に窓が染まる

前お向いてれば また会えますか
未来はどこへでも続いてるんだ
大きな看板の下で
時代の移ろいを見ていたいな

二度と会えぬ
人に場所に
窓を開ける

思い出せば遥か遥か
未来はどこまでも輝いてた
奇麗な青空の下で
僕らは何時でも眠って

ずっと前に好きだった人
冬に子供が生まれるそうだ
昔からの決まり事を
たまに疑いたくなるよ

ずっと忘れられなかったの
年賀状は写真付きかな
私達に出来なかったことを
とても懐かしく思うよ

青空の下で

the hermit

i've been wondering what i should start posting since my exams are over... as i mentioned beforehand... i've had like... one month's worth of posts to put up... and furthermore late at the night after one full day of activities... i don't really think i'll really spit out that 1 month's worth of vomit here yet... haha... so u guys are spared...

and nope i'm not here to talk about singapore politics... sadly, my area didn't get to vote... the pap walked over for the hong kah district... so yeap i'm not exactly very interested in the results unlike some of my other friends *eg. miao juan* except whether any opposition parties are represented in the parliment... and i'm happy that the potong pasir side didn't fall to pap's hands... muahahaha! *ok i sound a little... crazy... -_-*

short summary of what i did today... went out to play badminton with zhanxin n wendy this morning... followed by ny class gathering at orchard.... nice dinner wif u guys! and had fun trying to decipher tarot card readings with u guys... haha~ though yuchun complained that she didn't feel she helped pple out with the readings... but hey... somehow i felt tarot cards aren't the ones that give others solutions... pple turn to tarot cards for the shortcut out of their problems... the person in control of their lives is themselves... unless they decide to let the tarot cards take control of their life... but of course... when it comes to big things that has to do with fate perhaps one couldn't exactly "control" their life in that aspect... however i still believe *strangely* that if one has the will... it is still possible to change one's fate in the future... the future is ever changing... don't let what the cards show u get u down... it only serves as a guide... =) *though i would love if the tarot cards can predict what will happen to me in the future... haha~*













after today... i kinda had some new "insights" with my life now... i've had been hiding in my hermit cave for one month... for that month i had been wondering about what i've been doing in my life since i started uni life... sadly i felt as though i've totally lost my goal... i no longer know what i was working for... i thought i was working for myself in the beginning... then i sorta lost that motivation... it's so hard to be independent... but slowly i'm learning how to let go of depending on others... this is a promise to myself... i will not let others make me cling onto them and i will always be self-sufficient... i will be able to survive on my own...

someone had commented *i don't know whether he said it jokingly or what* that i'm the one 敷衍-ing people... while i kept thinking that it's others that are doing it to one another... after he commented on that i started to think back... and realise... it's probably my perception that made me 敷衍 others instead of others doing to me... so why did i feel this way? perhaps it had to do with trust... i don't feel like i trust the new friends i made in uni... maybe that's y i feel and act distant from most of them...

make use of others and let others make use of u... i felt it was some sort of the rule of the working society... maybe i was too cynical... to survive in this dog eat dog cat eat dog (???) world... i tried to make sure others couldn't make use of me without me having no chance of fighting back... i'm tired of being made use by others such that i had totally no control of what i really wanted to do... so i tried to do the opposite... it didn't felt me... strangely... i wonder what made me change my perception of life...

ever since "my world" fell apart and i tried piecing up the shards together... strangely the things held themselves differently... it seemed as though the "old me" was pieced differently now... i no longer felt things as i would have in the past... i didn't feel as emotional as before... morals.. i felt like i've betrayed the morals i held precious last time... it feels as though as one ages... the things they believe in become drenched in the darkness of the world... the original light and purity is washed away with time. or maybe i'm the only one who feels this way... feeling like some criminal guilty of breaking and hurting people's hearts... instead of the sensitive being in the past who tried to heal those hurt by those other "devils"... so now i've succumbed to the dark and joined in... if i judged my current self using my past model of values... i would probably have hated my current self. i keep asking myself why this is so... where is the old me...

and i realise i have totally no idea who my "old self" is... neither my current self.

the current me... money orientated... materialistic? more straightforward, practical, decisive...

the past... moody... gentler... emotional... someone who will stand by her friends...

i felt the life i view presently is so sad... if people only live to manipulate others and to be manipulated... i want to believe that things isn't that sadistic... not everybody has a motive behind every action they do...

but while i preach this, i feel i'm not exactly following this strictly if u consider my current uni life. i call my uni friends up when i've got a favour to ask from them... i don't exactly ring them up just for a chat or stuff... neither will i go on crazy shopping trips... or appear when they ring up on me to ask me out straightaway...

i hate that. i hate people doing things because of some hidden agenda. that's y i'm disgusted with those people who try to seek attention or some sort of gains from others just by their actions... i'm disgusted with myself for "敷衍" the uni aquintances... i wish i didn't become the person i depise... and i wonder how i can return to the person i once was...













things that happened today made me realise that... i still love the people i once loved... no matter how much they made me love, hate, smile and cry... i'm happy that it once happened. i'm happy that u're doing well now... though u're still as blur as before... haha! thank you... yeap... that's what i really want to say to you... though i doubt u know i'm refering to you, or you'll even view this webby... haha! i know i'm not -that- important to you that u'll show that much concern to visit my blog lar... but still... wish you all the best... live happy ok? i'm going to prove to you that i'll do better than u... and so u better dun lose to me (that fast) ok? or else it's no fun already... haha!













i'm still trying to find my balance... and to find my own opinion on a lot of issues... especially wrt love... i know i have very pessimistic views on love... oh well if i don't have optimistic ideas on trust u can't expect me to be optimistic about love too... =P but still... looking at the things that happened to those around me... geez... all the darkness of human character... i realise i'm probably too naive to maintain on my stand on love... i'm perhaps too idealistic... what true love... now it looks like bull shit... haha~ i wonder if the idea itself stands... what is true love? love that lasts forever? in that case it can't be true... since love dies with death and will fade away with time...

maybe i'm learning to seek answers that can be grasped with my two hands instead of something more abstract and spiritual...

sighz... is this what time does to me?













maybe i'm just speaking in circles until i'm incoherent... i shall stop for now and continue soon...

like this new layout? actually i find it a little too overcrowded... this is best viewed in internet explorer... it wun look -that- messy... but unfortunately i'm using mozilla... =S

on a side note... i drew the picture on the left... spent half the day trying to colour it... first i used watercolour... turns out i totally lack the skill... so i tried to use computer to colour it... oh well... guess i'm not cut out to be some animator or manga artist... wahahaha~

i'll post more on this layout... it is actually sorta inspired by a story i got to know... i guess only a few would know of this story... called ice and dark...







just a few days more before i can finally crawl out of my hermit shell... *not that i'm in it now anyway*

and i've got loads to rant on... imagine all 1 month's worth of posts all built up and stuff... when i explode... ahems... just... be careful... wahaha~

okies... onto the story... ice and dark...

Ice and Dark

Ice and Dark

Once upon a time, a simple peasant girl called Freedert lived in a village. There were two boys whom she was friends with when she was young, Elliot and Kael. The three of them were always together. However at some point, Elliot and Freedert fell in love with one another. Elliot was the son of a fedual lord who lorded over a great expanse of land. Due to the social difference between the couple, nobody around them would accept their love. Yet, their love only deepened, and no matter what others said, they were happy. They promised to be together forever.

However, war began, and Elliot was to defend the village. "I will definitely come back alive", Elliot told Freedert. Believing his words, Freedert gave Elliot a sword to protect himself.

On the morning Elliot was to leave, he asked Kael, his best friend who he believed could be trusted, to look after Freedert. However, Kael was also madly in love with Freedert, enough to make him hate his best friend.

Kael went to the work of art that had been handed down in the village -- the Second Hand of Time, believed to be the guardian of time, and made a forbidden wish.

"Please, stop Elliot's time. I know that I'm wrong to ask this, but... I don't want Freedert to belong to him... If Elliot dies in battle, I'm sure Freedert will..."

Elliot took a spear in the back and died in battle while protecting the last fortress protecting the village. That spear had the shape of a giant second hand.

Hearing news of Elliot's death, Freedert ran to the Second Hand of Time and prayed.

"Please give all of my time to him."

The artwork granted her wish. Freedert's time was given to Elliot, and he returned to life. Instead of a pool of his own blood, Elliot was surrounded by the scarlet roses that Freedert had loved. He returned to the village, where he saw a cold gravestone with Freedert's name carved upon it. This time, Elliot went to the Second Hand of Time and prayed.

"If it is her light that is giving me life, I return this light to her."

With that, Elliot drew the sword Freedert had given to protect him, and stabbed himself.




At the foot of the Second Hand of Time where Elliot had fallen, the sword emitted a strange light...













Kael's End

Kael never though that his wish would lead to the death of his beloved Freedert. He continually suffered from regret and dispair. Then, after writing the story "Ice and Dark" as a way to pass the story down, and as a confession, he was finally allowed to die.

Elliot's sword became known as the "Link Pin of Time" and went missing after Kael's death...











The Second Hand of Time

The Second Hand of Time cannot move time that had been stopped. All it could do was to freeze Freedert's time when she made her wish. Ever since, Freedert's soul and the Second Hand of Time exist as one, frozen within the artwork.

The Second Hand of Time saved Freedert from the clutches of death, while Freedert saved the artwork from being destroyed by its makers out of fear of the magic harboured by the artpiece. The makers were touched by Freedert's strong feelings, thus the Second Hand of Time was spared from its fate.

In the meantime, Freedert waited for Elliot, believing that he would return to her side someday. Though Elliot was already dead, Freedert believed his soul was still alive. It might be in a different vessel, but Freedert was certain he was searching for her...














The Fate of the Second Hand of Time

However, the Second Hand of Time was being worn down as time passes, and it reached the end of its time.

Just before Freedert disappears together with the Second Hand of Time, the Link Pin of Time was uncovered by the descendant of the Second Hand of Time's makers. In an attempt to grant the artwork's last wish, the descendant delievered Elliot's sword to the Second Hand of Time.

Freedert was dying within the Second Hand of Time when she saw Elliot falling through the air towards her. Bursting with joy that her wait was not in vain, she embraced Elliot, and they finally fulfilled their promise to be together forever. However, Elliot's soul was actually in the form of the sword, and it pierced through Freedert's soul, releasing a flurry of scarlet rose petals...

And the Second Hand of Time shattered...























No matter what happens,
never let go of the person important to you.

Don't choose death
in order to protect them.

No matter what happens,
you must live to protect them.





Humans tried to capture time, which has no shape, to make something.

So that humans, who are not eternal, can believe in eternity...

















*special thanks/credits to the subbers at #shounen.AI for the translation... this story was originally presented in japanese in an anime...













Caged Bird

高く　どのくらい　飛んでいったら
遙か遠くの　君が　みえなくなるの？

瞳　そらせば　樂になるのかもしれない
でも　いつもどこかで　見つめていたい

忘れることなんて　できはしないから
なす術もなく　空を見上げてるだけ
まるで籠の中の　小さな鳥のように
窗を探して　あてもなく　さまよっている

今すぐに會いたい　君が好きだから
傷つくことが　恐くて逃げたいけど
見えない柵に　翼　囚われても
それでも君は　悲しいほど　大切な人






takaku dono kurai tonde ittara
haruka tooku no kimi ga mienaku naru no?

hitomi soraseba raku ni naru no kamo shirenai
demo itsumo dokoka de mitsumete itai

wasureru koto nante deki wa shinai kara
nasu sube mo naku sora wo miageteru dake

marude kago no kana no chiisana tori no you ni
mado wo sagashite atemo naku samayotte iru

ima sugu ni aitai kimi ga suki dakara
kizutsuku koto ga kowakute nigetai kedo
mienai shigarami ni tsubasa torawaretemo
sore demo kimi wa kanashii hodo taisetsu na hito

Hitomi soraseba raku ni naru kamo shirenai
Demo itsumo dokoka de mitsumete itai







How high would I have to fly
To lose sight of you, so far away?

If I turn my eyes away, I might feel better.
But I want to always be looking at you from somewhere.

Because there's no way I could forget you.
At my wits' end, I simply keep staring up at the sky.
It's almost as if I were like a small bird inside a cage,
Searching for the window, aimlessly wandering around.

I want to see you right away, because I love you,
Even though I want to run away because I'm scared of being hurt.
If this unseen barrier around me should tear away my wings,
Still, you are so precious to me that it makes me sad.

this shall be my last post before i officially go into the mountains to become a hermit to mug hard n concentrate for my exams.













up till now... i don't even know what i have been doing. for a while these two days i thought i had found my goal... that is to work hard to maintain my gpa, if not increase it... but look at today... i just flunked my two tests... i doubt anyone will believe if i said that infront of my tutorial mates... i don't know how i feel... ashamed? indifferent? worried? i seriously have no idea. for the first time out of 7 questions in physics i only know how to do 2... and i've got the formula list with me somemore?! wth is going on with me? i kinda hate myself now.

i realised i have lost my motivation to study. kinda depressed now... no idea why that's the case, or whatever that's bothering me. maybe it's bad karma for all the bad things i've done this semester and maybe in the past as well. heaven is fair. it rewards those who worked hard enough and "punishes" those who slacked. oh well i admit i slacked quite a lot this sem... i wasn't very serious... and i lost my determination so damn easily. so whoever that's up there... i think they're having a good laugh at me.

reflecting on the day now... i think it sux. first i flunk the two tests... secondly i tripped on a step on the staircase... i malu myself in front of a guy in my class... in addition i think i accidentally strained my ankle... then after that when i went home on the bus i banged my head on the ceiling of the double decker bus. when i reached home i realise that there had been a huge swarm of bees that "invaded" my parent's room... and my parents had spent the afternoon getting rid of that huge hive... but still there were some fly around in my house... when i went home i was damn freaked out by the lone bee in the bathroom... din dare to bathe... the whole house was enclosed... all windows shut in fear of the remaining bees outside my house would come in from the bathroom window... i guess my family got irritated by me for my fear of bees... and i'm the only one in the family squealing with the bees whether dead or alive in wherever i was... sighz. i'm scared of bees. i'm scared of things that fly. i admit i'm selfish cos i don't wana help u guys to "clear" the bees cos i'm scared of those bees... so i'm sorry i can't do anything to help u guys...

geez. i really hate myself.

what's wrong with me?

i don't even have a single idea.

just that... maybe there's too much things running around in my head now... i don't even know how to sort them out properly.

am i happy? sad?

maybe i'm just lost.

procrastinating wouldn't help! for goodness sake. stop it!

i think i'm going hysterical.

tried to study at macs today... in the end got chased away cos they wanted to use the seat i occupied for the birthday party... siandeds i left macs... went to loiter around west mall... before that sundoll guy popped by macs... passed me manga... got me surprised earlier cos he tricked me saying he was at my house there ask me go down to get stuff from him when i mugging in macs... yeap that was the first and probably the only april fool's day joke i'll receive today anyway... haha~

anyway... went west mall... walked around aimlessly... went to the library in hope that perhaps i could mug there... found a seat there... and only to realise... that it was the same exact seat i sat down at slightly more than a year ago... strangely that memory was still fresh... and that was all to sorta sink my mood.

i remembered i had lunch break that time... i was still working at west mall atrium there... and i had quickly ate lunch... so that i could go to the library, find a place to do my cross stitch... i remembered how happy i was... despite how tiring it was... yet... now... that unfinished cross stitch stood lying in my room, somewhere hidden away...

enough. i thought i had buried you away into the depths of my memories... but u still came back.
够了。这难道是你在愚人节对我开的玩笑吗？
够了。我不想再听到你说的谎言。
够了。我根本就不再需要你了。
够了。请你让我自由。










我要快乐
歌手：张惠妹 专辑：我要快乐

又被爱伤了一遍
无所谓当作成长
刚刚走开的人
烟还点着味道却淡了

我并不是天生爱寂寞
却比任何人都多
就算把世界给我
我还是一无所有

我要快乐 我要能睡的安稳
有些人不抱了才温暖
离开了才不恨我早应该割舍
我要快乐 哪怕笑的再大声
心不是热的全都是假的
只有眼泪是真的

把从前想了一遍
谢谢了伤我的人
想做乐观的人
每种雨声听了都不冷

我并不是天生爱寂寞
却比任何人都多
就算把世界给我
我还是一无所有

我要快乐 我要能睡的安稳
有些人不抱了才温暖
离开了才不恨我早应该割舍
我要快乐 哪怕笑的再大声
心不是热的全都是假的
我的决定是对的

late in the night at around 1.30am now...

feeling tireds... back aching like siao... but strangely i don't wanna sleep...

don't wanna admit i'm tireds... don't wanna stop in my path now...

keep running... till the finishing line...

where is the finishing line? it seems so far away...

is the finishing line the day when i finish my exams? or is it the day i lay in eternal slumber?













i've come to admit that no matter what, what that has to happen will happen. there's no way to avoid that. maybe i'm being extremely fatalistic now... i tried to "challenge" fate... i don't know whether i look forward to what fate brings to me... jokes or pain or whatever... i don't even know whether i cared what was going to happen to me. loads of thoughts passing through my mind quickly... without giving me the chance to catch them, to conceptualise them... listening to ah mei's 我要快乐... thinking about a poem i saw a long time ago... "i hate how u make me not hate u. not even a single bit" *ok this was based on memory... exact poem look through my archives* thinking about the distant past which somehow didn't hurt as much as before. it's good that things seem to have faded. i'm still learning to move on... to live independently without much support from others. i guess the only person one can depend on is yourself. take care of yourself before you can think of taking care of others. all these sound so easy to be done... but of course. it's the converse.

there are times i think my life is a joke. seriously... i think i messed up my life quite a number of times until i have no idea where i am heading. i'm just following whatever the road brings me to...

there are also times when i feel totally helpless down my life path... like i have absolutely no control over the things that were about to happen... even if i knew it was coming... even if i tried to do anything to stop it from happening... the inevitable will still occur... you taught me that.

there are also times when i feel totally stupid... trying to tell myself repeatedly the lies i've made up for you... to explain for the things that have happened... that it wasn't intentional... that it didn't mean anything...

there are times when i just feel like stoning... stopping in the middle of the path and wait for some miracle to happen to move me. tired of making the bad choices. tired of getting hurt. tired of running for some unknown goal. what is the purpose of life itself? i have no idea at all. opps this could become depressing if such a thought persists...













computing quiz tomolo! i've promised bing hui i would finish physics tutorial tonites and i'm slacking away... playing all my games throughout the night... haven't finished studying computing too! i wanna give up already... procrastination at its peak tonites... pre-exam stress probably? strangely playing games did not make me destress at all... in the end i'm a little more stressed cos i haven't done what i'm supposed to do... sighz...

staying over at yin yin's n shian chi's room tml... meaning i might waste my night again tml... sighz~ exams are coming! do buck up sotong! =(

《明日歌》

明日復明日，明日何其多；

我生待明日，萬事成蹉跎。

世人苦被明日累，春去秋來老將至。

朝看水東流，暮看日西墮；

百年明日能幾何，請君聽我明日歌。

i guess i'm really tireds. that's y i no longer have the strength to further suppress those feelings... those memories of you.












today i'm officially fired. lolx that sound furnies... imagine someone using a flamethrower... then the target's butt caught fire... ouch. ok i'm crapping... wahaha~ fired from tuitioning hillview kid... oh well it's something i ought to be relieved about... i had been complaining about not having enough time to do all the things i want... now i get my wish. but strangely i did not feel happy at all. the lesson today i actually fell asleep while trying to teach her for so many times that i gave up trying to teach her and gave her work to do while i sit and continue to stone. i felt that this is probably karma despite how her mum was telling me they wanted her to be independent and study on her own... they didn't think it was my fault *or at least that's how her mum put is*... but somehow i felt a little bad... maybe i didn't work hard enough... sighz...













volleyball yesterday was super fun! if not for shing yeong who wanted to leave early.. i bet i'll have played with them until... maybe... today? LOL... despite whatever feelings i had i guess i have sorta learnt to put them at bay while i enjoy volleyball... maybe that's one of the reasons y i love volleyball so much.
not forgetting the other reasons as well. you included perhaps?
and i finally managed to get my upperhand surf over! ok i dunno wad's the real term for that surf... but it felt good that at least i've made some improvement and not sabotage my team mates that much... though... ahems. i have learnt the wrong technique of using my feet to catch the ball from this guy whose volleyball techniques are quite zai... opps... volleyball supposed to be a "gentle" game.. then now i play until so chor lor... omg... -_-'''













exams coming in... 20 days time... haven't got the time to revise my stuff yet... haven't even caught up with tutorials. what the hell am i doing now. i'm even too tired to cry now. maybe it's karma for me being so caught up with myself. lolx... y do i keep talking about karma in this entry? reminds me of my sis class' favourite phrase... "bad karma"... haha... ok i'm down with bad karma... peace be with me... -_-'''

effective com presentation tml... i am just praying hard that i don't jinx my team mates... cos... so far all the projects i've done... i've never had good results... pw got a "b", the previous effective com assignment i've gotten a "b" again... while everybody else in the world gets "a"... talk about being stressed... -_- sighz... i just wish everything will go well tml...

japanese... i'm so dead... haven't touched the 5 pages of homework at all... crying wun even help now... and my family are bickering now... which doesn't make things better... i wish life could be a little easier... but obviously things aren't that easy...

which brings to mind the cinematics pleasure test yesterday... haiz another quiz gone down the drain... qingyu qingyu u better buck up and stop procrastinating! geez...













all i wish for now is a good rest. and for you to fade away from my thoughts.

或许只有到了夜深人静的时候，才能放下面具，真实地面对真正的自己。

明明说要忘却，没想到忘得不够透彻。。。

没关系，再努力，没关系。。。

tireds.

super duper tireds. i feel like i'm a battery which ran flat.

had diarrhoa again this morning... woke up at 530am, ran to toilet, ate medicine, went back to sleep, woke up again at 8am, mad rush for toilet, then went back to sleep... now wake up, decide that i shall put off the tuition, feeling the weird rumblings of my stomach... sighz.

project laters... i'm afraid that i'm not able to do well for it... sighz... come to think of it maybe i always cannot do well for projects... all the groups i'm with always kanna jinxed by me... oral presentation somemore? geez... i might appear to be able to speak well infront of large groups of people, but then again, i guess not... i'm no longer confident of doing these things... =X

not enough time to do all the things i have to do and want to do... there's exams coming in about 24 days time, tutorials not yet done, volleyball, tuition... plus resting time (which includes sleeping and playing ps2... wahaha!) ok kindly ignore the ps2 part... talking about sleep, i can't believe that i slept on the 2 hour bus journey until i bang my head against the grey partition of the window... and i think i banged it quite loudly... super painful... now still pain... sobz...

yesterday night still cannot sleep well cos of the stomachache... got alot of things to focus on... like to catch up on studies... thinking about our trip to japan... then how to improve my vball skills so that someday i can have a good match with other zai pple in my cca... how to improve my students' grades... how to allocate time so that i have enough rest time as well... playing time can be cut short, but i guess i definitely need more sleep time... haiz...

and so now, before i go off for project, juz lemme nap for 1 more hour... =S

ENDLESS STORY

yay! i finally found the kanji lyrics! here you go...

Endless Story
Yuna Ito

If you haven’t changed your mind
そばにいてほしいよ Tonight

強がることに疲れたの
幼すぎたの Everytime I think about you baby
今なら言える I miss you
It’s so hard to say I’m sorry

たとえば 誰かのためじゃなく あなたのために
歌いたい この歌を
終わらない story 続くこの輝きに
Always 伝えたい ずっと永遠に

Memories of our time together
消さなで このまま don’t go away

あたたかく溶けだして 確かめるの
優しさのしずく この胸にひろがってく
切ないほどに I’m missing you
重ねた手 離さないで

たとえば 叶うなら もう一度あなたのために
歌いたい この歌を
終わらない story 絶え間ない愛しさで
tell me why 教えてよ ずっと永遠に

たとえば 誰かのためじゃなく あなたのために
歌いたい この歌を
終わらない story 続くこの輝きに
Always 伝えたい ずっと永遠に

たとえば 叶うなら もう一度あなたのために
歌いたい この歌を
終わらない story 絶え間ない愛しさで
tell me why 教えてよ ずっと永遠に

how can i even forget the most important things in life...

never depend on others.

and...

never to have any expectations... because... when your expectations fail, the only person who's hurt is you.













it's almost been a year... maybe more, maybe less... come to think of it, i can't even recall which is the exact day. it shouldn't matter now anyway, not that thinking about it will change things...

somehow the tightness in my heart is still there, strangely...

it wouldn't change anything even if i try to search for the reasons, or to try convince myself for the reason y things happened... be it my fault, or the other's fault... i've been trying to convince myself this fact for one year... sometimes it gets to my brain, other times i might just have forgotten for that moment, and things get to me.

the things i've done... the things i have now... those memories... i should have said goodbye to them once i have turned my back and walked away... the reason why i am myself... the reason why i was myself... all because of my foolishness... how i foolishly chased after that so called love of my life... how people are willing to endure pain and suffering just for that moment of happiness... it's all bullshit now that i recall it.

if only i had been more mature and less rash, probably it would have saved us both from pain. or maybe for me only. nothing else mattered. not whether the things u've said were the truth or lies from the beginning till the end. maybe you were trying to make me feel better. maybe i was simply thinking too much. but that's enough. we both understand that we don't want each other to pity the other. and we understand no matter what happens, things can never revert back to the past.

no need for any teary goodbyes. no need for a smile anyway. just... let it go and fade into the past, like the wind gently carassing one's face...













lecture today was about humour. strangely i didn't find it really humourous... the movie shown was Charlie Chaplin's Modern Times... mocking at the Fordian production and capitalist stuff... i sure laughed at the things that happened in the movie... but... somehow i felt i wasn't truely laughing... but i guess the purpose of the movie was to make you laugh despite whether u really found it extremely hilarious or you laughed along because you laugh at how cruel life is and things like that.

smile. that was one of the themes of the movie. smile when u're feeling down, smile when u're on the verge of breaking down... cry can't help solve problems anyway, so smile... because for all you know, the sun might be shining down on you the next day... the lecturer was sorta critising the silly song on smile... how smile can't solve problems... but we all need some form of optimism to keep us going in life. i wanted to laugh right out there... what if we don't need that form of optimism? shall we go on crying everyday?

i shall practise smiling everyday then.













two songs are running in my head now... they've both got the same melody, but they are in different languages... thanks to nana the movie... made me laugh and cry about a lot of things in life... i guess i can really connect with the manga and the characters there... =)




想念你的歌
歌手 : 张惠春 saya 专辑 : 想念你的歌

是否曾经后悔过
那时候扶起说走就走
是否偶尔想过我
所以埋怨我
每当听你的下落
逞强常常让人无法负荷
躲起来边哭边说 i miss you
还舍不得把你封锁

星光闪烁 如何拥有
站在远方才看见星空的轮廓
虽然有时候会寂寞
墙上时钟停格
你说放开手才会快乐
用半生的脉搏 写成想念你的歌

该怎么才能让你懂呢
谁对谁错已经模糊了 忘记了
我们都处理得有点笨拙
已经从来没有
像这一次如此爱过
想念常让我无法负荷
常常只有一个念头 i miss you
我的爱情从来没有死掉过

星光闪烁 如何拥有
站在远方才看见星空的轮廓
虽然有时候会寂寞
墙上时钟停格
你说放开手才会快乐
用半生的脉搏写成想念你的歌







Endless Story
Singer : Yuna Ito (NANA movie soundtrack)

If you haven’t changed your mind
sobani ite hoshii yo TONIGHT
tsuyogaru koto ni
tsukareta no
osana sugi ta no
Everytime I think about you baby
ima nara ieru “I miss you”
It’s so hard to say i’m sorry

tatoeba dareka no tame
jya naku
anata no tameni
utaitai kono uta wo
owaranai STORY
tsuzuku kono kagayaki
ALWAYS tsutaetai
zutto eien ni

Memories of our time together
kesenai de kono mama doko he
atatakaku tokedashite tashikameru no
yasashisa no shizuku
kono mune ni hirogatteku
setsunai hodo ni I’m missing
kasaneta te hanasanaide

tatoeba kanau nara
mou ichido anata no tameni
utaitai
kono uta wo
owaranai STORY
taemanai itooshisade
Tell me why, oshiete yo
zutto eien ni

tatoeba dareka no tame jya naku
anata no tameni utaitai kono uta wo
owaranai STORY
tsuzuku kono kagayaki
ALWAYS tsutaetai zutto eien ni




*shall go find the japanese version of this song lyrics soon...*

i guess u're right...

overly stubborn, easily depressed.

i guess at least you kinda understood me...

so i'm not that much of a loner as i thought.

i shall not let history repeat itself. history will not repeat itself.

rain rain go away...

够了。到此为止。












ok highly crappy and "deep" entry coming up... don't say i didn't warn you...













i realised... no matter what i do, no matter when, be it in the past present and probably in the future, i can never win in any kind of argument with guys. i can never get what i want them to do... just take for example today... my brother borrowed my laptop to do something, and moved it from its original position... when i reached home i just told him to put it back for me since he was the one who took and used it, and he should be responsible for putting it back. he ignored me and was concentrating on his game... then i tried to annoy him *ok maybe i asked for it myself*... i tried to poke him at the "soft" spot for most pple... then he reacted by grabbing my hand with force, rubbing my middle finger's joint against the chair... and the result? now my finger joint is swollen... big blue black there... and it hurts like siao... i play volleyball oso wun hurt that much despite all the blue blacks when i first started playing... sighz... and he didn't even say sorry or anything... not that i wanted him to apologise or anything... it just hurts... how guys always ignore what girls have to say just because they think u're not important and stuff...

just like one year ago.

i remember now... everything kept flowing back... the nights when my tears used to help me wash my face... how i tried to talk to someone who kept ignoring me... even a year later, though it is no longer of any importance, the questions still linger in my mind... coming back into picture every now and then... why did this happen? if you didn't mean it, then why did u do so? i guess up till now i still cannot let go...













haha~ nowadays... loads of my friends are attatched all of a sudden! super duper happy for them! pple like my fellow girlfriend shingy... sundoll guy... *his kanojo is my friend's elder sis!!! the world is so so small!* haha dunno y i share their joy in finding their other half! or maybe it's their joy that's spreading to me...

yet... when it comes to myself, i feel nothing. nothing to look forward to anyway. it is nice to have someone u can talk to in depth... someone u know u can trust... someone who will be there when u need him/her... but somehow it doesn't seem likely that it'll happen to me. not that i'm desperately looking for one either.. haha! to a certain extent i think i sound like yuchun! lolx~

what is love? hahaha~ wad a profound question... till now i still couldn't figure out the foolproof answer... all my past definitions on love had been proven wrong through the past 2-3 years... oh this sounds like a scientist trying to prove some hypothesis! unfortunately love... such a "philosophical" and spiritual entity cannot be defined in simply black and white.. there are so many different sides of love... the idealised version of love as shown on tv serials and movies... oh how i love those kind of love... everybody will have a happy ending... everybody will live happily ever after... but how "realistic" are these anyway... even if a couple marries happily... what happens after that? they have kids, husband gets into an affair... couple eventually gets divorced? we are only shown the happy lovey-dovey sides of love... all the pain and hurt one goes through in the process... we view it as a process... where we'll all be happy and live happily ever after after all those suffering we experienced... ok i sound like i'm preaching... this sounds like what my lecturer was saying in my elective... oh well i guess i totally agree with him in this aspect then...

the thing i can't understand is that... y is it that people are willing to sacrifice themselves and expose themselves to all the pain and hurt just for that one single moment of "happiness" or so they call... to me it's just like u spend all your credits for "purchasing" happiness in one go, and for the rest of ur life u'll be poor... in that case i'd rather not be so happy for that one moment and spread out the happiness in my life, that is if i ever have the choice... or if it's possible, maybe i can experience all the pain in one shot, then live happily for the rest of my life. that is bullshit of course. life is not that easy. -_-

i think i've reiterated that point for quite a number of times in my blog already... haha!

love is... countless nights spent waiting for a single sms from the one you kept thinking about... love is about the sleepless nights one have after a fiery quarrel... love is about the times one tries to please the other through gifts, sweet words or some romantic actions...

love is about accepting one for who he/she is... love is about commitment... love is about giving and forgiving... love is about communication...

i think the previous paragraph is enough to scare some people away... the huge words like commitment... i wonder how many people out there are actually willing and ready to commit themselves to a relationship... besides, it is easy to receive, but to give is hard... forgiving others is even harder... communication is extremely important... it is the way how u get to know one another better... but once u understand more about one.... the positive and negative traits of that person... are you able to still love him/her for who he/she is? it is easy to say that u do... but when that actually happens to you, will you be able to keep to the thing u've said?

i guess perhaps my ideas on love is simply too naive and idealistic... it is not something that will exist in real life... i once thought true love is everlasting... but then again, i guess not... perhaps... love... is like some kind of canned food... there's an expiry date... once it expires, it's no longer love... for a couple together, once beyond the expiry date, they might break up or still stay together just because they feel guilty if they suggested the breakup. then in this whole case... what is the point of coming together to start a relationship if in the very end it'll end in a breakup? of course, there are ways of extending the expiry date... and i can safely assume... not a lot of couples can achieve that...

and so to end off... i hope that all existing couples out there and those couples-to-be... to slowly discover the ways of maintaining a relationship and to treasure each other... it is not easy to find one another in such a huge world with a few billion pple of totally different personalities... let me see more happy endings and maybe, i'll change my perception on love and become slightly more optimistic... =)

cheers to pansy, huang weixiang, shingy n sundoll guy! *plus all other couples i know out there =)*

i wish life was easier.

i missed the sensation when ur body is extremely tireds, but ur mind just don't feel like resting yet.

and i realised that all of a sudden i cannot remember a single thing about what happened 1 year ago...

rest in peace.

life sux... and my actions are not making life much better...













sometimes, i wish i was the old me... the withdrawn, slightly introverted, more modest me... and to be someone more sensitive. i hate the times when the things popping out of my mouth these days puts other people down indirectly. what has gotten into me? where did the modesty go to?

other times, i just wish i wasn't me at all. so that i didn't have to know of how others would have felt because i felt the same way in the past. and this becomes unbearable for me to do the things that had once happened to me. but i wonder if it'll hurt others more in the future...

i wish life is simpler... but obviously, life is not as simple as what you think.

i guess even the sundoll keychain charm wouldn't work now...













on a side note, chuangyi manga sale at bookfest 2006 is coming soon! i'm going to save up a little bit of money to get more manga!!! muahahaa.... ok that's one thing to look forward to... despite all the upcoming exams in almost a month's time... which i haven't started revising yet! omg i sound like a nerdy freak... lolx~ and i've signed up for volleyball twice a week starting next week, plus i've gotta find time to play ffx! ahh!!! god pls give me more time! *though the motivations behind this is utterly morally questionable... lolx~*

i wanna eat japanese buffet! a few days ago... i had a dream of a delicious spread of japanese food in front of me... and just before i was going to "test" the food... i woke up. -_- oh man! i really wished i didn't have to wake up then... =( oh well... hope that my "dream" will turn into reality soon...

and i wanna go japan soon! just asked sundoll guy(cos his car got this cute sundoll... lolx! same as my sundoll keychain...) for his opinion on where to go in japan... then he suggest that should go in june... cos then we can see sakura blooming! but weixiang says december... haiz... winter... should be quite cold... =S but i don't mind the snow... since i've never seen real snow in my whole life before! oh man i think i sound super swaku...

first things first though, will be to go manga fest! next would be to start studying for the semester exams... and also to try and complete the ps2 game at the same time... must improve my jap! sighz... i'll have a super long way to go, i guess... =S

and yes, sorry that i have sorta broken my "promise" to post something of substance... as most of u guys can observe, my posts are getting crappier n crappier... =X oh well hang in there! it's coming soon! lolz... *if there's anyone reading my blog, that is... =(*

i had been reading through my old opendiary entries... because they were on the verge of being deleted... lolz~ i laughed at the language i used last time... how i used to exclaim over things like my 2.4 run... and how i used to "idolise" junkai... *not to say i dun idolise him now... hehex* memories... happy memories when i was still active in co... when i was struggling with handing up tutorials in jc... my struggles with chem... and not forgetting mr rudy lee... lolz~

and of course, not forgetting those entries full of sorrow... just because i could not let go of some things in life... history repeats itself, only to worsen the problem. if only i had been able to forget easily, things would not have reached such a state...





on a side note, i'm supposed to be sitting in macs now doing my lab report... omg i have already spent 2 days on it and it's still not finished! wth am i doing man... -_- i wish i have a little more time, i wish my sore throat will go away... so that i can go for the 2-7 ktv tml wif wx n sc! god! pls drop some wonder medicine for it to cure my running nose and restore my voice! *starts murmuring some strange incantation*....

oh well.... plz! weiqing pls respond to my msn n sms! we can't go macs to do our project!!! argh. stupid me ranting here where he wun even hear or see... -_-''' sighz... i guess i'm just procrastinating once again...

someday i'll post something of better substance here k? it's a promise... lolz~

为什么到现在还会有心痛的感觉？

argh. i want rest, peace, and silence. and maybe for god to drop 1 extra week for me to relax and catch up on work.

i'm tireds... i napped half of my afternoon away but still i am tireds...

and there's a lot of things to be done... like to study for quantum physics quiz on mon, jap quiz on thurs... and i am here procrastinating...

there should be no time left to be thinking about strange things... like the stupid horror point-click-game which i challenged my tutorial mates to playing yesterday at around 3+am in the morning... in the end me and shing yeong were the only ones scared outta our wits, while yong quan was making funny commentary... shian chi and nicolas like not scared at all -_-

sighz...

yesterday i wrecked havoc after volleyball training... haha i felt so lousy among those pple there... their spike was so qiang! and when playing the game, they like know how to hit to those pple, form strategies and stuff...

makes me think about a lot of things... like the really graceful movements of volleyball players... i wish i could be half as graceful...

after that, went for supper wif shian chi shing yeong yong quan nicolas... then stayed over at sc's room again... LOL... i can become their legal squatter liao... talked to sc... then bathed and went to yq and nicolas' room to play mahjong... *and i was the crazy za boh who suggested it... -_-'''* then scared myself by challenging them to play the scary game.. -_-''' and then later when everybody buay tahan go back room to zZz i was the only one who couldn't go to sleep... -_-'''

sighz...

i hope i wasn't disturbing anyone last night... or these times... memories go hay-wire at times of stress and when u're tireds...

no need to put on all those pretence... it wouldn't make me feel better... it shouldn't even matter by now... i knew it in the bottom of my heart right at the beginning...

yet somehow, i'm going through everything once again... relieving those moments once again... moments of happiness and bliss, yet, moments of tears and sorrow...

it shouldn't be as painful for u by now... in fact it shouldn't bother you... or so i hope...

time to move on, stop pretending you're sad... cos you aren't.

i'm not sad. neither should u.













i wish i am like a toilet bowl... so that i can flush all the crap in my life into the drain...

i miss co...

i miss the times i could "interact" with my erhu and enjoy the music created by the whole group...

i miss hearing the different sounds coming from all the different instruments...

i miss discussing which kind of song xiang is better and the differences between shanghai gong and beijing gong *omg i almost forgot the names of these things!*





i miss the times i could play volleyball with a big group of people who enjoys the game as i do...

i miss the times when i mug with those who wanted to achieve better results like i did...

i miss the times playing, relaxing, wrecking havoc and not caring about how others look at you...





i miss my self motivation to work hard...

i miss my bed... i miss my rest...

i miss slacking half a day away just in front of the computer, watching anime or what nots...

i miss the times when i didn't have to rush through things...

i miss the times when i could finish my tutorials on time...













i wish things didn't have to be so complicated...

i wish i wasn't so complicated...

i wish there were no exams...

i wish that things in life were easier...













but of course, reality likes to play devil's advocate.














today... or rather, these 2 days was rather hectic for me... yesterday after lab i went to stay over at shianchi's room... supposed to mug.. ended up talking to pansy half the time... from 4+ to 9pm i did like less than 1 tutorial? lolz~ love counselling as angela and yvonne puts it... lol...

we both came to the conclusion that love brings one happiness, but in exchange for that one moment of happiness u'll have to suffer 10 million times of sorrow... which was quite furnies for pansy to agree with me... but oh well i guess the two of us were being super pessimistic then...

then continued mugging... finished 1.5 maths tutorials *they were darn hard i tell u -_- had to refer to solutions most of the time* before i realised it's around 2am in the morning and i need to sleep...

turns out, i couldn't sleep peacefully at all... no idea why... probably because i wasn't used to the mattress or the fans n stuff... then in the end i woke up super early, went to the lt and slept through all 3 of my lectures -_-... even had to bring in tea for maths quiz which i stupidly forgot to study yesterday... -_- but heng anyhow whack oso get answer... lolz~ muz thank kee sing for lending me his notes during physics lecture sia... LOL... and thank god for "protecting" me for this quiz... wahahaha~

next up... tml i'm supposed to have finished computing tutorial, plus jap homework, plus study 90 jap vocab to prepare for the jap quiz next week... and...

i got a ride home from weilun whom i only got to know today! i think it's the car syndrome... last time when ching gave me a ride i was so excited to sit on his car... today was no exception... -_-''' wth is wrong with me? it's only a damn car... my dad has a car too? -_-

anyway it's quite hilarious... weilun and his friend... one bike one car... originally the bike infront of the car, then all of a sudden the bike made a turn into one of the smaller roads, then weilun driving the car decided to ignore his friend's crazy move *cos dunno his friend turn to where* and then went off, while his friend smiled cheekly behind weilun's car.... -_-''' and the sun doll on his car is so cute! LOL... juz cos i had the same sun doll keychain as he has -_- wth... qy qy stop eyeing other pple's accessories lar -_-

and we saw a rainbow on our way home... it's so surprising... come to think of it it's been a long time since i saw a rainbow... reminds me of the song "somewhere over the rainbow"... but of course thing's aren't as easy as the song puts it... so get back to reality...

god! i need more time and more rest!

14th feb coming soon... let there be love in the air...

yes! 14th of feburary is just around the corner... so, let there be love in the air *around this entry, i mean...*

speaking about this, a lot of things were running through my mind for the past few weeks... months maybe... so many things i wanted to talk about, like how incredibly busy i am until my friends like pansy complain she always cannot find me *wahaha...* yeah, so sorry, no time for love as well...

but here i am talking about love... let's see... just wanted to post two songs on this entry today... a song which i used to love when i was in secondary school... and another that was playing on the radio quite frequently these days...














Once Upon A December

Dancing bears,
Painted wings,
Things I almost remember,
And a song someone sings
Once upon a December.

Someone holds me safe and warm.
Horses prance through a silver storm.
Figures dancing gracefully
Across my memory...

Far away, long ago,
Glowing dim as an ember,
Things my heart
Used to know,
Things it yearns to remember...

And a song
Someone sings
Once upon a December



that december
is when everything started
and three months
of joy and tears
that night sealed our fate
and our hearts as well




been thinking about the forgotten memory lost in my mind for quite a while... at first it was indifference, then a tinge of happiness, then heartache. i wonder how much more it would last.

the memory i was searching for was not the memory of loving someone, but the memory of being in love with love... the sweet aspects of love, the lovey dovey sweet honey feeling, the one that makes u feel warm inside; the comforting hugs from those who cared; the happiness when someone u like is nice and sweet towards u; the joy knowing that someone accepts u for who u are as a person, an individual, a soul.

yet i actually forgot the bitterness in this candy that tricks innocent n foolish humans from getting themselves hurt over and over again. the endless nights spent crying over spilt milk; over people whom u thought they cared but apparently otherwise; the sourness when seeing someone u have a crush on was closer n nicer to someone else; the cruel words n actions the one u cared most did to u.

people are willing to suffer years of such pain for just one moment of that sweet tenderness from the one they cared.

and i think, why they are so foolish.

and i see those people around me, guys who try to flirt with girls whom they barely know in search of "love". i don't know whether to laugh at their attempts or to applaud them for their... open-ness of being so daring to accept those whose personality was not totally known to them. or perhaps, it's my view of "love" being different from theirs. perhaps i was looking for pure love so pure that it is non-existant in this reality.

and i don't know whether to laugh or not when my girlfriend shian chi tells me that her relatives were so willing to introduce her any guy along the street just because she is still single and available. my stand on love still holds -- 真爱是值得期待的。
but i guess it would never reach my turn to be in love again.
and so, i've thought of the perfect gift for myself on valentine's day... hehex... it shall be... a ring for my left hand... symbolising independence for women of this society... XD my nunnery rawks... XD

and now onto the second song...












我会好好的
王心凌

我会好好的
花还香香的
时间一直去
回忆真美丽

我是想着你
一直想着你
你在我心底
变成了秘密

不要说你爱我 你想我
如果你的心里没有这么做
只是勉强的敷衍我
我知道了会很难受

我要你默默走 不回头
我会清楚明白你要的是什么
无须勉强的安慰我
说奇怪的理由

到现在还是深深的 深深的 爱着你
是爱情的友情的都可以
那是我心中的幸福
我知道它苦苦的

要给你远方的祝福
我知道它苦苦的






我发现，我到现在还是深深的爱着你。
不过你放心，我不会给你添任何麻烦，
我只想要从远处望着你，看着你幸福。





and now... an update on my... boring and busy life... cny! first day of cny i fell sick and couldn't eat as much as i wanted... spent the rest of my new year sleeping away, playing game, and occassionally went out to 拜年... but in the end only 4 红包... 2 from my parents 2 from my grandparents... on wed went to see doctor, not for my flu or cough, but for my ingrown nail... had a mini surgery which scared the hell outta me... cos... had to take a jab that was super painful to numb my swollen toe... -_- and now my big toe is all bandaged like some balaku... *dunno how to spell lar... -_-* and i'm totally lagging in tutorials, the holidays were of no help to me in catching up on academic stuff...

upcoming, tml is tuition day, sunday is tuition day, monday school until 7... jap lesson again... makes me stress cos i think i'm not lagging in the homework but the things that we learnt each lesson... each lesson now leaves me more and more blur... cos my mind cannot remember the things that was taught during each lesson... and no time to revise every time after the lesson. tuesday is volleyball day XD... until 9pm... wed is lab day... slack day... then mug homework time... thurs is jap day again, fri is makeup day wif jap and volleyball again... sighz... sat is tuition day again, sun is tuition day again... and the cycle repeats itself...

ok i think that's enough to bore readers off... so tata~ and hope everyone out there had gotten loads of income from this festival... =)

i need rest and a nice tan...